Had to fly out of Phoenix Sky Harbor and had the joy of dealing with the TSA in Phoenix. If ever there was an organization that sucks more than current Vice President, the TSA would be it.

I normally fly Alaska Airlines, I’m on file with them as a trusted traveller and my boarding passes are printed with the TSA Pre-Check on them. Well with last minute ticketing, that got missed and I didn’t notice it. Go through the pre-check line, get up to the screener, have my ID scanned, picture taken and boarding pass scanned and the agent states, “Your boarding pass is not Pre-Checked approved, you’re going to have to go back the way you came and re-enter in the normal screening line.” Show him my global entry card, explain that it was a last minute boarding pass and ask nicely that since I’ve already had everything scanned if I can continue on with screening. Nope, gotta’ swim against the stream of the Pre-Check line que, go around and re-enter the normal que.

Ok, slightly annoyed, but go with it. Go around, it’s a short line, no big deal. Do the initial screening, get up to security and unload pockets, watch, wallet, shoes, etc into the plastic tub and place it on the conveyor belt and stand there. And stand there, and stand there. The line just is not moving, people walking into the x-ray booth and everyone is getting pat downs afterwards. My stuff is gone on the conveyor and waiting for me on the other side. Also due to the backup of totes with no one picking them up, they stack up, pile on top of each other then fall off the table onto the floor. So yes, I’m standing there on the unsecured side looking at my watch, wallet, keys and shoes scattered across the floor on the secured side. Now I’m worried about someone else walking off with it.

Walk through the x-ray booth, think I’m free. Nope.

“Sir do you have anything in your pockets?”

“No.”

“Anything that would alarm our equipment?” As they point to my image in the booth with my crotch lit up in red.

“No.”

The screener looks over at me and says, it’s the metal snaps on the pockets on my cargo pants. Then there’s the agent standing in front of me,

“Sir, you are to be subject of a pat down search, blah, blah, blah, do you comply?”

“Yes, let’s get the groping over.”

“Sir are we going to have an issue?”

“No issue at all, let’s just get this over with before someone walks off with all of my belongings that have become scattered across the floor.”

“Sir, you have the option of conducting the search here or in a private room. I strongly recommend that you step off to the side and we conduct the search in a private room.”

“Let’s just get it over and done with here where I can keep an eye on my belongings.”

“Sir, you are required to comply am I going to have to call a supervisor?”

“I may be required to comply but I don’t have to be happy about it. I have done nothing that is non-compliant, but if you can’t conduct yourself in a professional manner by all means call your supervisor and we’ll have a discussion about it.”

Agent Mitty then clicks the transmit key on his radio 3 times, proceeds to give me a rub and a tug and tells me that I am free to go.

Big red floppy clown shoes all the way around.

I had a similar situation in Nashville several years ago. I always just ask for the pat down. I've been through a FLETC and a groping doesn't bother me. I put my stuff on the conveyor, tell the agent that I'll take the pat down. He says stand over to the side while they get someone. My stuff is on the other side and about 5 minutes of waiting I look at the TSA guy and in a stern tone tell him that this is straying into the area of unreasonableness. I felt they were attempting to punish me for not using their stupid machines. About a minute later someone shows up and I get my groping and go on to my gate.

quote:

Originally posted by Skull Leader:
I had a similar situation in Nashville several years ago. I always just ask for the pat down. I've been through a FLETC and a groping doesn't bother me. I put my stuff on the conveyor, tell the agent that I'll take the pat down. He says stand over to the side while they get someone. My stuff is on the other side and about 5 minutes of waiting I look at the TSA guy and in a stern tone tell him that this is straying into the area of unreasonableness. I felt they were attempting to punish me for not using their stupid machines. About a minute later someone shows up and I get my groping and go on to my gate.

Yup, that seems right.

I used to "opt out" of their microwave or x-ray machine. Every single time without fail they would leave me standing for a long time before groping me. My FAA doc had recommended not going through the imager because of the radiation, and as flight crew we already had a lot of exposure.

These days I don't fly as often, so I usually just do the image thing.

I've noticed if you bite your lower lip and sigh a lot, the pat downs go much faster. I should snort some crushed Viagra before going through security next time, just for the entertainment.

How to handle a TSA pat-down





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0OeM6UUAoI

quote:

Originally posted by 2000Z-71:

...I normally fly Alaska Airlines, I’m on file with them as a trusted traveler and my boarding passes are printed with the TSA Pre-Check on them. Well with last minute ticketing, that got missed and I didn’t notice it...

That is one of the reasons we check in and print boarding passes (we're old school) 24 hours before departure. Then again, we're old, retired people with lots of spare time.

I'm certain you won't make that mistake again, SF members who aren't frequent flyers can learn from your mistake.

Yep you have to put your trusted traveler number in with every airline. I hate it when you have an really early flight and the pre-check lines not open.

As much as it seem fun to play with them I've found in the end its easier on you if you just go with it. I'm usually nice and polite to everyone until they give me a reason not to be.

Most TSA agents are ok and polite but there certainly are some that really shouldn't be in that job.

I was returning from a trip and didn't have alot of clean clothes left. I was wearing a pair of shorts that where a little to big. Had a belt so no problem until they made to take it off and hold my hands above my head for the scanner thing. Can't remember why I had to go through it since I had precheck and global entry. I finally gave up explaining my shorts where going to fall down.

Oh, it gets much worse when you're checking a firearm with your luggage. Well, you do get to go the priority check-in counter and bypass the lines. But then they escort you and your luggage over to the TSA booth, where they toss your luggage and swab every square inch of everything, run the tabs through the machine and then say you're all set. WTF are they swabbing for? If I want to bring a bomb in my luggage, why would I declare a firearm, so I get the full search and swab treatment? Such idiots.

I flew from Kauai on Wednesday. It's a small airport, 10 gates. However, TSA was able make that a mess. Several TSA agents "working" but only one checking ID's at the entry point and one luggage scanner running. Lines out the wazoo.

I am convinced that TSA has that special ability to FUBAR anything.

I adopt my gray man stance when approaching TSA. I put the contents of my pockets in my backpack, place it on the scanner belt, wait to pass through the scanner until I get the nod, speak only if I am asked a question, get through the process and get on with my life. Works every time.

quote:

Originally posted by comet24:
I hate it when you have an really early flight and the pre-check lines not open.

I always let them know, they give you a laminated pass and you don't get the hassle.

I flew from DFW to PHX and back again a few months ago. Checked a firearm. At DFW, no problem. At the ticket counter open the suitcase, open the gun case, show the agent the gun is unloaded and the ammo is in a box. Sign a form which is put in my luggage and off I go.

At PHX, check in at ticket counter. Then get escorted by an AA person to the TSA booth. Wait in line for 20 minutes for 2 people in front of me to get cleared. Finally get to the TSA flunkie. Open the suitcase, open the gun case. He rifles through everything, asks me some nonsense questions. He's taken so long that my gun case has relocked itself. By the time I was on my way to the gate I had wasted 30 minutes.
At least be consistent TSA!

quote:

Originally posted by SPWAMike0317:
I flew from Kauai on Wednesday. It's a small airport, 10 gates. However, TSA was able make that a mess. Several TSA agents "working" but only one checking ID's at the entry point and one luggage scanner running. Lines out the wazoo.

LIH is bad, every time. OGG can be just as miserable. If you go into either, with the mindset that it’s 3rd world there, makes it easier. I was going twice a year up until about a year ago. Bought land and all my focus and money is on that. I bet I have enough miles at this point to make 4 round trip flights and I do need to see my people on Maui.

I use to travel all over the US for work, playing gigs. I loathe the airports, the tourists, in words I don’t have. Hate ain’t strong enough. TSA is just the tip of the spear. I figured their bullshit out though. I’m already in board shorts and a tee, in flip flops when I get to the airport. And we’re talking Jan/Feb or Oct/Nov, only two times a year I will go. School is out? Fuck all that. I put all the shit in my pockets into my laptop bag/backpack that has my work laptop, iPad, and chargers. Only thing in my pocket is my boarding pass and my DL. Haven’t got TSA fucked since I started doing that. But I still have to deal with the idiot tourists at the airport. They have definitely traveled before because they have all the shit. The little pillow that goes around your neck, etc. But they are in such a frenzy they conduct themselves like they have never, ever, done this before. They lose their minds once they get to the airport. They get pushy. Or the whole “I forgot where I put my boarding pass” or DL, or whatever. Every time I put myself through this fiasco I want to punch people in the face.

But I loathe traveling so much that when I bought my land I researched for about 7 years, visited, made a list. Re-checked, revisited in person, blah. The goal, once I can build a place and move, is just to have 1 annual round trip to OGG and be done with it for another full year. My land is in the mountains with a forest, a nice lake, and no reason for me to travel anywhere else ever again. I damn well might flip the script and make my Maui people fly to me instead of the other way around. I know lots of people that really enjoy traveling, not me, I loathe all of it. It’s good once I touch down, get my local rental vehicle but absolute hell getting to that point. By the time I get to the crib, with my groceries from Costco for the 2 week visit, it’s like 17 straight hours of hell.

TSA=Thousands Standing Around or Take Scissors Away.

quote:

Originally posted by furlough:
I flew from DFW to PHX and back again a few months ago. Checked a firearm. At DFW, no problem. At the ticket counter open the suitcase, open the gun case, show the agent the gun is unloaded and the ammo is in a box. Sign a form which is put in my luggage and off I go.

At PHX, check in at ticket counter. Then get escorted by an AA person to the TSA booth. Wait in line for 20 minutes for 2 people in front of me to get cleared. Finally get to the TSA flunkie. Open the suitcase, open the gun case. He rifles through everything, asks me some nonsense questions. He's taken so long that my gun case has relocked itself. By the time I was on my way to the gate I had wasted 30 minutes.
At least be consistent TSA!

Flying out of Phoenix with a firearm and dealing with the TSA is a nightmare, especially out of terminal 3. Used to be no big deal, answer questions with the gate agent, sign the form declaring that everything is unloaded, throw that in the case and it got checked right there at the counter.

A few years ago that changed. Check your bags at the counter except the one with firearms. Then wait for a TSA agent to escort you to their screening room in the basement and wait for the TSA to check your firearms. One passenger at a time, everyone else waits in the hallway.

When that first went into effect it was a total nightmare. Was still in process of moving to Alaska and had 2 SKB 4 rifle cases absolutely stuffed with various rifles, shotguns and handguns. First I was asked to surrender my keys and let them open my cases while I remained at the doorway and they conducted their inspection. I stated absolutely not, that their policy stated I was not to surrender my keys to anyone. I had their policy printed out and had to show them their own policy. Get escorted back into the room so I can unlock cases and maintain possession of my keys. Then an agent told me that they were going to inspect my firearms and record the serial numbers. I informed them that recording the serial numbers was illegal and I would not allow it. Then there was Shaniqua tho had absolutely no business at all handling a firearm and was waiving a Ruger Vaquero all around sweeping everyone in the room with the muzzle trying to figure out how to open the loading gate to check and see if it was empty. The Poindexter starts handling my Ruger No.1 by the scope and exclaims, "Cool, a single action!" "No, it's a single shot and please quite handling it by just the scope." I asked very politely to quit handling my firearms, if they wanted to verify that they were unloaded, I would happily handle and show them that they weren't.

Shaniqua and Poindexter kind of looked at each other, then looked at the amount of firearms that I had, the fact that they were all wrapped in gun socks inside the case, realized what a pain in the ass it would be for them and just gave up, instructed me to re-lock my cases and leave them there to be checked onto my flight. I told them ok, but I was not leaving the room until I saw personnel from Alaska Airlines come in and take my cases I was not going to leave with them in a pile with everyone else's in the corner. Lots of questions as to why I insisted on staying and assurances that my cases would be checked in. Only after repeated refusals to leave on my part did they call Alaska Airlines and requested that they come pick up my cases. The whole process with TSA took over an hour, I made it to my gate just as boarding was announced and luckily my gun cases made I onto the flight.

Three years ago, checked in with a 4 rifle case. Same thing wait for a TSA agent to meet me and escort me down to the basement. This time it's 2 old farts making TSA look like a retirement work program. Regulations have changed now and there is no longer the requirement of maintaining possession of the keys to the case. I'm asked to remain at the door while they conduct their inspection. Give them keys and remain at the door. Then watch as neither one of them is able to lift the weight of the case and get asked to come inside the room and lift my case on the table for them.

It's a nightmare and it's frustrating. If TSA insists on this ridiculous bullshit, at least have someone who knows their own regs and is competent at handling firearms. But is there anyone competent with handling firearms that would be willing to work for the TSA?

Shit like this is why I drive.

For the few times I do fly, Tampa airport is quite good. Flew out of there last summer and my flight was take off at 6am. Got there at 4am and the TSA was working already.

I know a couple guys who work there at the airport and they often get told, "we drove here to Tampa to fly even though Orlando airport is closer for us." TSA in Tampa international is probably as well run as you'd hope.

My last commercial airline experience was February 2002, about 4 months after 9-11. One-way ticket flying alone to Houston to pick up a new company truck, which I intended to drive straight back to Colorado, so no checked luggage only a small carry-on bag with a few personal items.

I guess I checked all the boxes. Single male, one-way ticket, no baggage. I received the full treatment, rubber gloves and all.

Valid driver license, retired police ID & badge, Veterans Administration ID (disabled Vietnam veteran), decent casual clothing, recent haircut, clean shaven, toothbrush, razor, shaving mug & brush, clean underwear and socks, paperwork for the new truck, credit cards and a couple hundred in cash.

If I had known what was coming I could have had some fun. Wrap a dish towel around my head, sit alone mumbling nonsense to myself, maybe unroll a bath mat on the floor and kneel while facing east and bobbing my head repeatedly, chanting old TV commercials (2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions and a sesame seed bun. Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don't upset us, have it your way at Burger King. Drive the USA in your Chevrolet. I'd walk a mile for a Camel. Come to where the flavor is, Marlboro country! I can probably do a few others with a little thought).

Security theater, brought to you by people who really, really care!

2000z71;

I've had similar experiences and now when I fly with a firearm, I make sure it/they have a flag in the chamber. Since I started doing this it has eliminated their need to touch them.

Gadsden or Gonzales?

quote:

Originally posted by trapper189:

Gadsden or Gonzales?

^^^ OK, OK, you've caught me lol.