Hints from Heloise, the Sequel - "I'm SUCH a dummy..."

April 12, 2019, 06:03 PM

1. When chasing down a lighting problem on a motorcycle, check the damn bulb BEFORE spending an hour or two tracing wiring and testing switches.

2. A chainsaw cuts MUCH better when the chain is put on with the pointy parts facing the right way. It may also explain why the chain was so difficult to put on.

April 12, 2019, 06:41 PM

OKCGene

Clueless city slicker moves to the country and decides he needs to cut down a bunch of trees.

He goes to the local farm store and buys a chainsaw.

Goes home to his farm-ette and commences to cutting down trees.

He spends all day working at it and finally gets a small tree cut down.

He’s absolutely tuckered out, as we say around here. Worn out, hands blistered, feet aching, back and shoulders and arms hurting, sunburned, he collapses in bed.

The next morning he takes his brand new chain saw back to the farm store and tells them it’s no good and he wants his money back. He also complains how he’s worn out and aching all over from trying to use that chain saw and again he demands his money back.

The sales clerk, perplexed, calls over the service guy. Service guy looks puzzled while listening to the mans story.

Sooooooo the service man says Well let me give it a try. He flicks the switch, yanks the cord, it starts right up, and he revs it up. NINNIDY NINNIDDY VOOOM, unniddy undiddy.

The customer says Hey what is that noise?

(Most like a true story)

April 12, 2019, 07:46 PM

Sailor1911

quote:
Originally posted by OKCGene:
Clueless city slicker moves to the country and decides he needs to cut down a bunch of trees.

He goes to the local farm store and buys a chainsaw.

Goes home to his farm-ette and commences to cutting down trees.

He spends all day working at it and finally gets a small tree cut down.

He’s absolutely tuckered out, as we say around here. Worn out, hands blistered, feet aching, back and shoulders and arms hurting, sunburned, he collapses in bed.

The next morning he takes his brand new chain saw back to the farm store and tells them it’s no good and he wants his money back. He also complains how he’s worn out and aching all over from trying to use that chain saw and again he demands his money back.

The sales clerk, perplexed, calls over the service guy. Service guy looks puzzled while listening to the mans story.

Sooooooo the service man says Well let me give it a try. He flicks the switch, yanks the cord, it starts right up, and he revs it up. NINNIDY NINNIDDY VOOOM, unniddy undiddy.

The customer says Hey what is that noise?

(Most like a true story)

First thing I thought of when I read PHP's post. Only, the version I heard many years ago had an ethnic twist.

April 12, 2019, 07:55 PM

walkinghorse

2. A chainsaw cuts MUCH better when the chain is put on with the pointy parts facing the right way. It may also explain why the chain was so difficult to put on.

Do not feel like the Lone Ranger!

April 12, 2019, 09:24 PM

just1tym

ORrr...coming home late from a party and trying to get my damn key to open my apartment door and my neighbor next door opens the door!

April 13, 2019, 08:18 AM

ulsterman

Make sure the trickle charger is plugged into an outlet and not just attached to the battery.

April 13, 2019, 08:41 AM

PHPaul

quote:
Originally posted by ulsterman:
Make sure the trickle charger is plugged into an outlet and not just attached to the battery.

April 13, 2019, 08:43 AM

Jim Shugart

quote:
2. A chainsaw cuts MUCH better when the chain is put on with the pointy parts facing the right way.

Hey! What's that noise? (old joke

)

April 13, 2019, 08:47 AM

V-Tail

quote:
Originally posted by just1tym:

ORrr...coming home late from a party and trying to get my damn key to open my apartment door and my neighbor next door opens the door!

quote:
Steven Wright:

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

April 13, 2019, 11:30 AM

Leemur

HAAAAAAAA! I laugh because so many things you rant about here sound like something I’d do.

April 13, 2019, 11:40 AM

just1tym

quote:
Originally posted by V-Tail:
quote:
Originally posted by just1tym:

ORrr...coming home late from a party and trying to get my damn key to open my apartment door and my neighbor next door opens the door!
quote:
Steven Wright:

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

Now thats funny right there V!

April 13, 2019, 01:25 PM

Gustofer

quote:
Originally posted by V-Tail:
quote:
Steven Wright:

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

Reminds me of another old Steven Wright joke. After a night of drinking you just get in the car turn on the key and wait for the house to pull up.

April 14, 2019, 06:46 AM

egregore

quote:
1. When chasing down a lighting problem on a motorcycle, check the damn bulb BEFORE spending an hour or two tracing wiring and testing switches.

How long?

If it has light bulbs, it must be a 12-volt battery system. The circuit only takes a few seconds to check for power and ground. Remember to have the circuit activated (switched on), of course.

April 14, 2019, 06:58 AM

PHPaul

quote:
Originally posted by egregore:
quote:
1. When chasing down a lighting problem on a motorcycle, check the damn bulb BEFORE spending an hour or two tracing wiring and testing switches.
How long? If it has light bulbs, it must be a 12-volt battery system. The circuit only takes a few seconds to check for power and ground. Remember to have the circuit activated (switched on), of course.

The switch for the rear brake pedal is in possibly the most inaccessible place conceivable. 45 minutes of that was spent coming up with the proper combination of tools, position, view, light and cuss words to get the sumbitch off so I could check it out.

If I had thought for 10 seconds about the readings I was getting at the bulb socket, I could have avoided all that. Just one of those days when the ol' grey matter was not up to speed.

April 14, 2019, 08:32 AM

egregore

Have you got one of these? Power Probe (This is the basic one; one with an extension cable, cigarette lighter plug and case is a little more.) You can do all sorts of things with it, the most useful being that you can power up or ground a component to see if it works. I have even used it on starters, blower motors, power window motors, cooling fans, etc. Also, you can check for power and ground without switching any leads around.

April 20, 2019, 07:37 AM

C L Wilkins

A number of years ago a neighbor was mounting some lighting on his small aluminum boat. He knocked on the door and asked if he could borrow some drill bits, all of his were dull. I walked over with him to his house, he put one of my drill bits in his drill. He was still having a tough time drilling a hole. I then suggested that he switch the drill off of "reverse".

April 20, 2019, 02:04 PM

zoom6zoom

My brother asked me to look at his Sony laptop because he wasn't getting any sound. He had already checked all the settings, reloaded drivers, everything you'd need to do, and still nothing worked.

I leaned over and rotated the volume thumbwheel on the right side of the laptop.

April 20, 2019, 03:57 PM

PHPaul

Same bike, different issue:

Got it back together enough to run it up and down the driveway a bit. Ballsy little shit for a 400!

Noticed it didn't show any interest in lifting the front wheel which struck me as a bit odd. Thought it was just putting all it's effort into wheelspin, so I snuck out onto the pavement for a quick test.

Nailed the throttle, engine spun up, wheel stayed on the ground. Massive clutch slip. Shit.

Ordered up a kit, came in today, took the clutch apart and CHEESY RICE! I've been working on bikes, including a bunch of junkers, for more than 50 years, and I have NEVER seen a clutch so toasted:

Fortunately, a new pressure disk was WAY cheaper than I expected at < $40.

Nobody to blame but myself for not spending more time evaluating the bike, but for money I spent I should have gotten a reach-around or at least a kiss!

April 26, 2019, 08:17 PM

hambony

When I worked for Ultimate Electronics (when it was still in business) had a TV come in for repair (old school rear pro/hd). It was a nice Mitsubishi, probably paid 4 grand for it at the time, put on an aftermarket screen protector as well. We were replacing a tube under factory warranty, but they also wanted us to diagnose the blue tint as well. Come to find out they never took the blue protective film off and had been watching it for a year. Needless to say we "fixed" it for free!

April 26, 2019, 08:50 PM

egregore

I had a car come in with a new battery but all circuits dead, no power to anything. This was a GM minivan with the stupid side terminal battery (a rant for another time). The plastic terminal protectors were still in the battery, sandwiched between the cables and terminals. How, you ask? He actually cut holes through the protectors and ran the bolts through them. This could not have been easy.

Owners of older Ford vehicles may remember the fender mounted starter relay (often incorrectly called a solenoid, including in the below picture).

I had one come in that would crank but not start after replacing this part. It would try to fire very briefly but stop as soon as the key was released. He put all the fusible links (power connections) on the starter side of the relay, so there was only power when the engine was being cranked.