My wife of 19 years and I divorced earlier this year. It was very hard but we mutually agreed it was for the best since we've grown apart in the last few years and want different things for our futures. We remain as friends and call each other family still.

I erroneously entered into a romantic relationship 3 months ago with a woman who was in a similar situation as I with a recent divorce. Everything was amazing for the first month as it was such a stark contrast from coming home to an empty house and being lonely all the time. I had someone to make plans with, talk to, hold and kiss, and share my day and thoughts. Also being 43 and giving my youth and whole life to my ex wife and two daughters left me feeling like I would never again be able to make that connection with another woman. It would take another 20 years to gain the trust, comfort, knowledge, and history for me to feel like I wasn't starting from nothing with a stranger. That feeling went away as we both shared everything about ourselves and our feelings on just about everything over the first few weeks. We really hit it off and I was very happy talking with her for hours on end.

The second month is where it started becoming clear that all of my free time was being taken up by her and I was unable to get to the gym regularly (or at all), I wasn't spending any time with my family or friends, and I found I had no time to myself to enjoy my hobbies or simply take care of every day things like laundry or house cleaning. I also found I was expected to stay out way later than I was used to or comfortable with when I had to wake up early for work the next morning. When I tried to bring this up she seemed sad and then would do the math on how much sleep I was getting and try to justify that she was getting less so I should be ok. On the house chores and other things she'd say something like "well, you were home for an hour before you came over here. Why didn't you catch up then?"

I also got to meet her kids which are all pretty screwed up emotionally in my opinion. Some from their parents' divorce but mainly from watching their father's shitty behavior and never being made to behave like civilized humans.

This last month has been mainly just procrastinating the inevitable. I really do like this girl and she's very good to me and hasn't asked me for anything other than my company and friendship but I've come to the realization than not only are her kids a deal breaker but I'm just not ready for a serious (or maybe any) relationship yet. I feel it was unfair of me to lead her on for this long only to tell her I'm not ready to date anyone yet (I'll leave the kids part out to spare her feelings) but I honestly fell into this feeling really good and that I was in fact ready.

So this Friday when I see her again I get to sit her down and break her heart and although it's the right thing to do I feel pretty terrible having to hurt someone like that.

Thanks for listening.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Ryanp225,

Sucks, but sounds like it's the right decision.

quote:

Originally posted by Ryanp225:
(I'll leave the kids part out to spare her feelings)

That's a tough call. It'll definitely hurt her feelings, but I don't see it as being cruel, rather as being openly honest. She deserves to know why this relationship can't work so she can know what to work on and look for in the next one, instead of just superficial platitudes about "It's not you, it's me..." Because it is her, partly.

But I get why you wouldn't want to go there. Maybe I'm just more used to having to be diplomatically honest about tough subjects.

It does suck. If I had any advice to give recently divorced men, it would be to not date seriously for at least a year or more. You need time to get beyond the hurt and in my case animosity towards my ex

You have to look out for you. Only you know what is best.

Good on ya for ending it sooner than later.

I meet Tuesday with the lawyer to end a 25 year marriage. I plan on taking time before trying to date.

Cheers~

First, I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. I cannot imagine walking through that after being married for so long; it'd have to be unbearably difficult.

On the current situation, I agree with you that I'd not mention the kids. Nothing brings out the "momma bear" like even the perception of a barb directed at a woman's offspring, so if possible I'd dodge that bullet. You could always use the approach that, had she NOT been a special person, you would have already pulled back long ago. So the fact that you've hung around this long, as muddied as your situation has been, has only been a testament to her being a great person. Rinse. Repeat.

Since I'm inexperienced at such things, how do you strategize locations and times for "the talk?" I assume you DON'T wanna do it at your place, where you have no immediate escape plan? Meet her for lunch one day and drop it? Go by her place?

quote:

Originally posted by slabsides45:
Go by her place?

That's how I've done it in the past when initiating breakups with various girlfriends. Easy exit for you, you don't have to worry about her being embarrassed in public or driving home while upset, etc.

(Of course, that's predicated upon you being fairly certain that she's not going to flip her shit and chop you up into little pieces to bury in her basement. If you're not sure, a well-lit public area might be better.)

quote:

Originally posted by BigSwede:
It does suck. If I had any advice to give recently divorced men, it would be to not date seriously for at least a year or more. You need time to get beyond the hurt and in my case animosity towards my ex

I got divorced in May, and finally was able to sell the house and move out at the end of July. Now 4ish months out, and I can't even imagine trying to seriously date someone currently. I'm working on me right now.

Thank you everyone. Such great folks on here.

I plan on going to her place to talk for all the reasons mentioned.

As far as her kids she already apologizes for them and tries to keep their behavior from me. I don't want beat her down any more on that than she already must feel. I'd have to guess she already will know that was a factor anyway.

Thanks for the good advice, Slabsides45. I'm struggling to find the right words or even how to begin the conversation so what you said about the "special person" conversation is both accurate and kind.

And yeah, lesson learned about the need to figure my own shit out for a long time before I can even think about seeing anyone. With that time at my disposal I'll work on healthier things like spending time with my daughters, family and friends, and my own hobbies that have been neglected for the last couple decades.

Breakups suck, no matter the situation. Just be glad you are able to pull the plug early.

Link to original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEHx9OxmkVE

To me it seems as if you have described her as being controlling of your time.

Pull the eject handle.

"Look, I've got shit to do"

quote:

If I had any advice to give recently divorced men, it would be to not date seriously for at least a year or more.

^^^^ THIS!!!

BTDT. It took me 10 years to find the right woman after my first 'mistake'. It was worth it. Had a little fun in between.

quote:

Originally posted by SevenPlusOne:
"Look, I've got shit to do"

Be a boss, do it via text.

quote:

I was unable to get to the gym regularly (or at all)

Am I the only one thinking, 'the workout should be happening at home'.

I can't judge you as I don't know what it's like to go through divorce and then try to establish relationships with someone else.

But the thought that came up in my mind is the reason why companies try to keep their customers; it's cheaper and more profitable to keep an existing customer than to acquire a new one. I think this is a good business lesson we can all learn.

Good luck.

Why does it have to be a breakup?
Just curious.
Couldn't you just sit down and talk to her about the issues?
If you really do like her why not just see if you can change the pace?

^^^^ There are things that could be worked out except for those damned kids, not happening.

George Constanta always said
It’s not you, it’s me.
Seems to let them down a little easier.

quote:

Originally posted by BigSwede:
^^^^ There are things that could be worked out except for those damned kids, not happening.

This right there.

That's an immovable object. My error was in thinking I was the one judging too harshly because my daughters are older and I thought I was just not used to how kids that age behaved.
The last straw for me was when the 11yo boy was told to relinquish his phone for smacking his sister and his response was to run across the street to beg his neighbor to call the cops claiming mom had beaten him.
That's when my hand went for the eject button.

quote:

I can't judge you as I don't know what it's like to go through divorce and then try to establish relationships with someone else.

I'm not much more versed in it either as it turns out. Being in a monogamous relationship for the last 23 years left me quite out of practice with dating and it's a perishable skill as I've learned. The last time I was in the dating pool I was a 21 year old kid just looking to get laid and have a good time.
So when this woman started showing interest in me it was the first time in all those years that I allowed myself to say "what the hell" and put myself out there as I was always faithful to my ex in both thought and deed.

quote:

Originally posted by Sigfest:
George Constanta always said
It’s not you, it’s me.
Seems to let them down a little easier.

I hate that vague platitude. I get that you're trying to "let them down easier", but it's disingenuous.

If it's someone that you just met and went on a date or two with, and never had a real connection/relationship, crap like that is fine. But someone that you've had a real relationship with deserves a real adult explanation, so they can grow as a person or at least know what to look for in their next partner.

It also forces you to really think about why you're breaking up with them, and put it into words you can articulate, which helps you to grow as a person and know what to look for next as well.

I say suck it up, put on your big boy pants, and be honest. Breakups are awful and messy, but while lying or being vague about the reason might make you feel a little better in the short run, it's worse in the long run for both parties.