martyr [ mahr-ter ]

Noun
3. a person who undergoes severe or constant suffering:
4. a person who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc.


OK - I'm normally a private person and sharing my frustrations online isn't my usual MO. But I just need to vent for a second.

A little background: My parents live in FL and have been in the same house since 1963. My father is 90 and was diagnosed with ALS late last year. Its' pretty advanced and he can't get up by himself and sometimes doesn't have the strength to feed himself. My mom is 83. I live in NC and have no siblings.

My frustration stems from my mom's constant refusal to get help for herself as she cares for my father. So far she has kicked out/refused further assistance from 2 companies who provided someone to come to their house and assist. Granted, it was 3 days a week for 4 hours a day, but it was help and could allow her to rest, let them do some items like grocery shop, laundry, light cleaning, etc. Instead, my mom said their work wasn't on par with hers so she didn't want them there anymore.

I've begged her to get someone who can live there to help but she won't/didn't do that. Instead she got my recovering drug addict cousin to come live with them to "help." I've also looked into them moving into a retirement community or an assisted living facility. She absolutely will not consider it. Not at all. She (and my dad) want to stay in their home as long as they can. I get it - they've been there for 60 years, but at what point does familiarity or want give way to practicality?

I've offered to move them to NC and either live with us or find a facility here where we can be close to them, assist, etc. Nope. That's not in the cards as far as they are concerned. (not that living with us would alleviate things - she would still need help during the day when we are at work)

When I talk to my mom (which is every other day or more), she constantly complains about her tired she is, how exhausted, etc. When I make suggestions all I get is "you don't understand." Actually, I DO understand. She'd rather complain about it that fix it. I don't doubt that she's tired/exhausted. But she doesn't have to be; she chooses to be. Currently with their retirement and additional VA assistance they're getting $7-8k a month. That's enough to allow them to move into any retirement/assisted living facility they choose. (they have no other bills except the usual - utilities, insurance, etc.)

I love my parents and want to help any way I can. I feel extremely guilty for not being there to help, but I can't just quit my job, move my family to FL and live with them just to be there when dad needs to be moved from the bed to the toilet or wheelchair. There's help available, she just won't use it. It's to the point where I almost dread calling her as I know it's going to be a 30+ minute bitchfest and it's all I can do to bite my tongue and not lash out about it. I don't think she'd do anything to hurt my dad, but her stubborness IS hurting him and her acting like a martyr is hard to accept.

*sigh* Thanks for letting me vent.

Sure that is tough to deal with, Some folks sure are stubborn, hope you can find a solution where you can get her some help...

My 85 year old dad has finally accepted help it took a bit of prodding but like you we're not close enough to just run over and help and moving isn't an option either way...

Is there a local Adult Protective Services agency that you could contact? Maybe they could help.

No agency will get involved if your parents do not want it. You might be able to get a geriatric social worker to stop by and speak with them. Your situation is very common. Old and stubborn is not a good combination.

If all she wants is a sympathetic ear, then give that to her. At your parent's age, they deserve to choose how they live and exit.
My father told me he was done with doctors and medicine. I didn't scold him or beg him. I understood. He passed within a month.

quote:

Originally posted by xd45man:
If all she wants is a sympathetic ear, then give that to her. At your parent's age, they deserve to choose how they live and exit.

I agree and I do try to listen patiently as much as I can. My issue - and maybe I wasn't clear or should have titled the thread differently - is that it is extremely frustrating to listen to her complain about problems that are either of her own making or which can be solved. Instead, shed rather complain about them.

Kind of like listening to someone talk about how it's unfair they are obese while they stick another jelly donut in their mouth. Or maybe I'm just a bad son.

quote:

I agree and I do try to listen patiently as much as I can. My issue - and maybe I wasn't clear or should have titled the thread differently - is that it is extremely frustrating to listen to her complain about problems that are either of her own making or which can be solved. Instead, shed rather complain about them.

Lot of folks like to do this, women so much more than men, they want to tell you their woes but don't want a solution.

Remember "It's not about the nail"

quote:

Originally posted by mojojojo:
Or maybe I'm just a bad son.

Not a chance. You are so worried that you even ask strangers for advice. I went through what you are going through with my parents. It's frustrating for sure. For now, just keep talking and even keep offering help, but understand that ultimately, your parents want to remain in control of their own lives. Sometimes that means being in control can not be the best choice.

Folks from that generation, my folks included as well, can be very stubborn and ‘set in their ways’.

They can also be VERY frugal based on how they were raised and their ‘life experience’.

Perhaps your mom does not want to spend the money and is saving as much of it as she can to pass along to you when the time comes.

I see my own parents doing this some degree.

Consider letting your mom and dad know that you are going o.k. financially and that they should spend the money on themselves so they can live a more comfortable, leisurely, less stressful and ‘safe’ lifestyle (which ARE the benefits of visiting healthcare / social workers and assisted living homes).

Best wishes to you and your folks!

Rob

Hate to say it but it may take an "incident" to get them to accept the help they need. Going from a hospital to a care home is more palatable then leaving their home for assisted living. Hope it doesn't come to that. Can you convince Dad to accept assisted living for your mother's sake?
Just got my mother and step father into a care facility. She has advanced dementia and taking care of her, (stubborn is an understatement) nearly ended him.

I wish you and your parents well, and I wish I had some good ideas, but most of the previous posts seem to have covered the bases. I feel what you’re saying to an extent, because I’ve been trying to get my 80+ yr old father to accept help for the last 2 years (also in FL). He also firmly declines, then discusses how he’s not able to do what he used to (see my previous bitches in this section of the forum ).

A few thoughts: does your mom have anything else to chat with you about? Church, the neighbor, today’s pickings at the grocery? Perhaps she’s fallen into a “habit” of discussing her troubles with you because she has no one else to share with, and when the phone rings, her mind pushes the “play” button on woe is me…. does the recovering cousin have a good relationship with you?
Is it possible your mom chose the cousin because she felt that was the only trustworthy choice (family vs strangers who might rob them blind)? Fear of being taken advantage of is a very real thing at this age. Heck, it’s a fear for everyone, but particularly in the elderly, or when you’re already vulnerable in another way.

How often do you get down there? Maybe it’s time to take a short trip (just you) over the weekend and check in, make yourself comfortable with the cousin and see that they’re actually doing ok.

I’m sure she is grateful she has your ear, and you sound like a loving child who only wants what’s best for them. Remind her of that. All honesty, there’s no way I’d want to move out of my home, or to another state (esp further north), into a nursing home or any facility where my independence was questioned in any way unless it was vital to my health. F that. They’ve been here a lot longer than us, and managed just fine..at least, that’s how I’d see it, if I were her.

Was she able to interview the help who came to assist her and confirm they were the type of people she wanted in her home? And they did the tasks SHE requested instead of whatever they chose to? Your description of the things they do - might be the things that give her purpose in her day. For all I know, she might like to dust (or grocery shop to get out of the house..).

Last thought: was she like this before your father was diagnosed? I’m not saying you can change anything, but it might help you help her.

BTDT. I think when people don't plan for their old age, they think they can continue on.

My parents lived in San Francisco. He was already in Alzheimers in that he took his passport with him to bed so he can remember his name.

When they were out, she would walk ahead of him. Several times he went missing this way and had the family looking for him. She once called from Reno to say he was missing. Worst was we were to pick them up for New Year's Eve. Waiting for them in the car, we saw her walking alone. The whole family spent New Year's Eve looking for him. Police brought him back and said someone called them to say he looked out of place where he was. He was old school and always wore a suit.

Through all this, we tried to coach her. Didn't work. We bought a perimeter alarm that would go off if he strayed so many feet away from her. She didn't use it because it embarrassed her.

Something happened bad in their house and she asked him to go to the living room to get the phone. This phone I bought so she could bring it to their bedroom at night. He went to the living room and started watching tv. Luckily, a friend was coming over to pick them up for bingo and they took her to the hospital. After that, we got someone to stay with them. That person left after one day as she wouldn't talk to her.

We bought a big enough house for them to move in with us. She didn't want to because it's too far. I said, "Too far from what? It's not like you go to the opera every week."

At that point, I had power of attorney and entered my dad to an Alzheimer's unit. She was crying all the way. But when he got settled in, she was there everyday. Ironic, because she would leave him to play bingo just about every other night. He didn't want to go because it was just double the money wasted.

Through the years, we kept trying to solve the pr0oblem they were in but she didn't want any of the solutions. She said at one point, why can't I just leave her alone? She wanted to be like other people who die in their kitchen. She got her wish. Except it was in the bathroom. Her landlady called as she hadn't seen her for a couple of days and they were close. She lived in the apartment above hers.

You can't help people who don't want to be helped.