quote:

Originally posted by HRK:

quote:

Originally posted by irreverent:
What is her problem with your girlfriend? Jealousy, perhaps? Is your sister divorced as well?

Not sure it's relevant, what she believes or thinks isn't important.

Separate yourself and your GF from her toxic mentality.

People like that regardless of type of relationship are bad for your health and your current relationship, focus on your future and leave her out of it..

Next time she calls and you decide to answer, when she starts in don't let her drag you into her conversation or let her drone on, it's what they want, you miserable as they are, so cut the call off and tell her to not call back, hell put her on ignore so it just goes to voicemail.

To answer both of your questions:

Yes, I think she is jealous; especially after I got divorced a few years ago and stopped sharing my misery with her.

Someone mentioned that at 50 years old maybe she’s pickled her brain. Maybe? Here typical M.O. in situations like this is to give it a couple of days and then call/text crying for forgiveness; but the past few days she has been texting me like nothing had happened, part of me is glad my GF walked in on the conversation or I’d begin to question whether I had dreamed it.

I’m not completely disowning her; at least not while my mom is alive, but the social relationship that I have tried to have with her for so many years is now dead, deader, deadest.

quote:

Originally posted by YooperSigs:
Just because you share some DNA does not give a relative permission to abuse you.
And I once got a refund on a funeral I paid for a deceased relative when all the other relatives (who could not afford the burial cost) complained that the service was not elaborate enough!

Good one.

Haven't had any contact with my mother for 17 years and counting. Haven't regretted a day.

Thank you to the member with whom I have exchanged a few emails and has invited me to call him to discuss further.

I put this out there just to acknowledge once again the incredible membership of this forum and a reminder of the number of members who support each other in ways that are not always documented here in the pages of SigForum.

I am sorry. I think some real distance is probably appropriate.

My two oldest brothers are extremly liberal.
We agreed to stop talking politics years ago
and now we get along great. Same with my mother
we quit talking religion and it was great!
I feel so sorry for people who don't get along with family members, I guess I'm lucky to love all of my family.

I sent my conservative brother a We The People T shirt
he should get it tomorrow

There are probably a truly blessed few out there with nothing in their lives but positive and supporting relationships with family and friends.

The rest of us seem to have at least one drunk, doper, thief, chronic whiner, perpetual gossip, or other annoyance within our circles. Then there are also the dysfunctional and mentally ill thrown into the mix, just to keep us on our toes.

No need to let them influence your life. No requirement to open the door. No law says you have to take their calls or listen to their dissertations.

Short version: Stop giving them what they want and they will find someone else to bother.

Unfortunately alcohol has a tendency to bring out the worst in people and there's nothing you can do to change her if she refuses to acknowledge she has an addiction to alcohol. Best to make it clear you love her and will be there for her if she chooses to seek help but between now and then keep your distance.

Your sister's behavior is a classic case of re-direction. When you started to call her out on something she turned it around and put it all on your gf and on you.

She did not let you make your claim and then respond, once she saw which direction the call was going she went on the attack and put the blame for whatever on someone else.

You can't hate her for it, it is just what alcoholics do.

quote:

You can't hate her for it, it is just what alcoholics do.

Bullshit. That foolish pacifist and "wrongly placed empathy" is nothing but the excuse abusive people need to continue to harm others and never accept the broken path they are on.


That people with addictions need help, support, understanding and the litany of things that go along with the breadth and depth of it all, is a given.

But, what is more important is honesty about it. How they made a choice to deal with things in their lives that made them miserable, and angry, and sad, and lonely and "fill in the blank", not dismissing, or permitting or embracing bad decisions, behaviors and life choices at the expense of those who want to help, until the "goodwill train" leaves the station, while the person stand on the train station platform yelling at how wringed they have been at those who decide to turn and leave.

One certainly can "hate" another for their choices, behaviors, actions and selfishness, no matter if it comes from a bottle, gambling, drugs, or simply being a narcissistic.

The person that chooses to put that foot in front of the other, without stopping and turning about face, needs to carry the burden of it.

That last thing an addict needs, is more excuses.

Sorry Ronin, I have a sister. While she is not a an alcoholic. Has similar traits from the sound of it. Has a screwed up relationship history with just about everyone. And most have washed their hands of her. Some think even though their house is a mess they need to tell everyone else how to run theirs.

Sound like you handled it as best as you could.

You have to separate the behavior from the addiction. Any misbehavior exhibited is accountable by themselves; like everyone else.

Addiction is a flipping metabolic neuro-transmitter malfunction disease.

If you want to have a credible voice around this topic, you should not conflate the two.

*****

There’s an old joke that asks, “What happens when you sober up a drunken horse thief? You get a sober horse thief.”

Update

Sister called me today.

I answered.

She seemed pretty surprised; wanted to talk about my mom’s disease (Luey Body PSP) and consideration of entering into hospice.

I lost track of the amount of times she said “I know you don’t want to talk to me” (to which I did not respond) and then she’d continue on about our mom.

She asked if she could share a funny story about an aunt we have (It was pretty funny and we laughed together) and then I had to cut the call short to get to ready for a Zoom call.

As she tends to do, she repeated a few things like it was the first time she was telling it to me. that is the same thing my alcoholic dad used to do.

She thanked me for answering the phone; to which I replied, “I will always take your calls”. That made her start to cry and she hung up.

It was not lost on me that there was no apology, although if I could spend her apologies I’d be retired.

For me personally this is the best strategy. My sister is the only local person with my mom; so in some ways I do need ‘some’ conversation with her. I will talk to her about my mom, be kind to her when she calls, but not put myself out there for a real relationship again anytime soon.

This is the plan at least as long as my mom is alive.

Seems like you have a handle on the situation. My oldest brother's problem was not addiction but the fact he and his wife were grifters to the bitter end. Won't go into detail here, but he died a year ago, and I'm delighted I no longer have to deal with her.

quote:

Originally posted by goose5:
Seems like you have a handle on the situation. My oldest brother's problem was not addiction but the fact he and his wife were grifters to the bitter end. Won't go into detail here, but he died a year ago, and I'm delighted I no longer have to deal with her.

My brother's problem also. Unfortunately, both his sons went down the same path.

This thread is ironic. Past 2 weeks I’m getting collections calls. I quit speaking to my mother altogether probably 10 years ago. I won’t go into all of it but let’s say I had to raise myself at 5. Started working at 10 and I was blackmailed for my work $ to pay some of her damn bills as soon as I started working. She’s always hustled, sponged, off someone for $. I quit counting what she owed me at like $25,000 to 30,000. And that was by 18 years old, not as an adult. 10 years ago I got a Sprint wireless bill sent to my house with her name on it, in collections. I guess she thought I might be nice and pay her shit off. I called her instead, and told her to call them and have the address corrected or I’d hire an attorney to take care of it and I will never talk to her again. Later that year I learned that she tried to hustle my great uncle’s pastor out of some $. That was the line she crossed where there is no return. You try to hustle, sponge, or scam someone that wears the cloth. That’s it. The at times alcoholism, seeing/hearing different men fuck her when I was just damn near a toddler. Saving her from death one time as she was wasted walking up the stairs of our section 8 apartment only to fall, bust her head wide open, blood everywhere. Had I not been up, alert, and 911 immediately she would have died as it was 2:30 or 3am in the morning. And I was like 7 years old.

So the past 2 weeks I’m getting collections call voicemails from some company. It’s her. She’s scammed everyone else so back to me I guess. I can’t wait until I move out of state. I’ll change my number and be rid of her for good. If she ever uses my social security number again I’ll make sure she is in jail no matter what the attorney fees cost. Talk about life experience. At 19, I take a few college courses and learn I can get a guaranteed Citi Visa with a copy of my semester, paid, receipt from college. I submit as I want to get my credit started, only to get denied. I then have to learn the entire credit ranking process, submit formal letters to each credit reporting agency (no internet back then) only to learn I’m in debt up to my ass at the cable company, a jewelers, all sorts of shit. That took the better part of a year to make her clean that up and get all that shit put under her name. She had used my name and social for all sorts of shit. I mean the woman could never handle money and I’ve never paid anything late in my life. Worst I’ve done is used a grace period, and I can count how many times on one hand. I honestly don’t care if it’s blood. If people keep doing the same shit over and over, and over, to your detriment, that isn’t love and they can fuck right off. I won’t even attend the funeral. And my absentee and dead father was worse.

My opinion when people cross the line, once, you warn them. They do it again, I’m pretty stern that if there is a next time, I’m out. They do it the third time I’m ghosting. Had to do it with friends many times, as I only have a cousin left as far as kin goes and she is extremely different, and lives a very different life out of state. I have learned, first block the number before you delete it. Then delete. Don’t delete first because they can still hit your voicemail. I’ve never fucked over a friend in my life, never borrowed money from anyone, never put anyone through a bunch of shit. Probably worst in my life was when I was laid off, didn’t work for an extended period and my friends had to field calls with me talking to the sky is falling. So I’ll never understand these people that are just POS that put their kin through absolute hell one way or another. They should be charged for oxygen.