13 yo son has decided he wants to move in with my wife and me.

Been separated from his mom since 2012, divorced soon after. We live about 2 hours apart currently.

We’ve done a splendid job co-parenting during that time, with very very little issues. He’d been here about 70% of the time with COVID going on. My daughter too, for the first several months of school going remote. This popped up as a surprise to me before the holidays, but I told my son to think about it until the first of the year, because I knew how well it would go over.

She has some pretty significant health issues, I actually thought she might quietly see some relief.

I was quite mistaken.

Going on month two of working it out...Still most likely to stay out of court, but I do wish she’d believe this wasn’t some underground plot of mine. I love having the kid here, absolutely, but I honestly had no intention of causing her grief. My goal is to provide a supportive, healthy atmosphere for the kids no matter what. I guess I was doing better than I thought.

Now if I could just get off night shift and enjoy doing more stuff with him.

I've always been glad that my first wife and I never had kids so it could be a clean break and I'd never see her again.

Good luck.

It sucks. It takes two people with cool heads and wanting, above all, what is truly best for the kids

I didn't have that with my ex, at all.

quote:

Originally posted by chongosuerte:
My goal is to provide a supportive, healthy atmosphere for the kids no matter what.

This is important, but you already knew that.


For me, dealing with the ex got easier over time. My daughter is 25 and I don't think I've spoken with my ex since my daughter graduated college. Life is good

I did not see much of my kid for nearly a year when I divorced his mother. Took her that long to calm down. And my lawyer told me not not push back, no matter what. Went from standard order of visitation to the kid being with me 60% of the time, but it took nearly three years to happen.

quote:

13 yo son has decided he wants to move in with my wife and me.

That's about the time my son told me he wanted to move out of his mother's house and into mine...we were doing week-on, week-off.

I took a different tack than you did. When she wanted to argue or lay blame, I just said, "I guess we'll just have to go to court"...that ended that drama.

What tipped the scales in my favor, was when I told her I wasn't going to ask the court for Child Support

quote:

Originally posted by 9mmepiphany:

quote:

13 yo son has decided he wants to move in with my wife and me.

That's about the time my son told me he wanted to move out of his mother's house and into mine...we were doing week-on, week-off.

I took a different tack than you did. When she wanted to argue or lay blame, I just said, "I guess we'll just have to go to court"...that ended that drama.

What tipped the scales in my favor, was when I told her I wasn't going to ask the court for Child Support

Most women see child support (to them) as income........This is probably where the big hangup is.

Nah. I told her I wouldn’t alter the current child support amount if she agrees without going to court. Various reasons.

Is it possible that his desire to live with you has anything to do with normal adolescent rebellion and him thinking there’s an option and “the grass is greener”?

My oldest moved in with me at 13 as well. My second oldest decided one day when she was 17 to just move in and didn't bother telling me or her mother. Just showed up with all her stuff one day.

My youngest is 14 now. We seem to be doing okay and are all getting along. He still lives with his mom.

quote:

Originally posted by P210:
Is it possible that his desire to live with you has anything to do with normal adolescent rebellion and him thinking there’s an option and “the grass is greener”?

I’m the strict one, I certainly don’t spoil them. And I’m very thankful that no rebellious streaks have popped up yet.

His primary reason is the educational opportunities here versus the rural county their mom lives in. He had researched the magnet school he wanted to attend. We found out yesterday he was selected.

We have a more active lifestyle, as well. Even during covid we do as much as we can as a family. My ex and I are very different types. I know he enjoys having things to do and responsibilities.

The grass is greener.

I did not experience any real rebellion, but the kid quickly learned the art of telling each parent what they wanted to hear and game us.
Example:
I would ask him for a report on how he was doing in school. He would then give me a rosy version of what was going on. Meanwhile, the school was sending notices to his mother reporting that he was failing his classes.
After I caught on to this, I made sure I compared notes with his mother so as to be better informed.

Around 15 years ago, I tried to get my Daughter to move from NJ to Tucson. I would get her an apartment, job and pay for other expenses.

Nope. She wanted to live with her mother, however, I could still send her money, so she could party.

That ended quickly.

I truly feel for you chongo. Hang in there, it’ll work out.

quote:

Originally posted by chongosuerte:
Still most likely to stay out of court, but I do wish she’d believe this wasn’t some underground plot of mine. I love having the kid here, absolutely, but I honestly had no intention of causing her grief.

It's almost as if the boy has a mind & preferences of his own. Imagine that.

Feel for you Chongo.
I got custody of my daughter when she was 14 because my ex wife became a mess. No drugs or alcohol, just mental stuff.
We went to family court and she signed all the papers willingly. She knew she was unfit at the time.
Took many years and my daughter and her mother are still patching things up together.
Kids always come first and there was no animosity from me, I just put my child in a better situation.

I would make sure that the boy is not threatening his mom with moving out to get what he wants.

Sometimes kids will do that sort of thing to get their way. I know this from experience. Sometimes you do not know what is going on, until it happens and then you find out what the motive is.
I also had it happen to a friend of mine. Moved in with his dad(my friend), then when dad would not do what the boy wanted, he moved back with mom, but there were other serious complications.
Kids feel hurt from a divorce and sometimes take advantage of the situation to hurt back when they do not get their way.
Hope that is not the case for you, and good luck.

Not sure how it works there or what type of agreements you have, but if he does move in with you, make it legal so you're not on the hook for child support, etc.


now a little levity

The parent receiving child support payments often resists because they don't want to lose that. I know you said you offered to not alter the child support arrangement, but she may still fear that.

Also, for mothers, "losing" a child is often seen a huge failure as a mother. There can be so much self-image tied up in being a mother, that the prospect of the child going to live with the father is almost impossible to contemplate. Some of that is internal, and some is related to the mother's fear that others will view her as a bad mom, no matter what the reason for the change.

It’s definitely the insult of feeling the second choice.

Not changing child support because if I do, my daughter will indirectly suffer. The money is not important in the grand scheme. It’s budgeted and I’m well adapted.

There’s no playing us on his part. This is genuine, only drama is coming infrequently from the mother. Thankfully it’s nothing significant.

It will all go on paper.