A guy I know is trying to lure me from LE to the Dark Side, namely corporate security. He has sent me some job listings that he's encouraging me to apply for. In reading these job descriptions, I am struggling to make heads or tails of what exactly these companies would be expecting me to do as part of these jobs. It's like someone just vomited some random professional-sounding words onto the page and called it good. Stuff like (hyperbolic example):

Works as part of a outwardly-focused subject matter team to compile transparent deliverables and synergize with both inter-office and intra-office throughputs to leverage granular technological data and execute best practices. Liaises with community-centric, corporate-forward external stakeholders to develop new scalable processes geared towards exploring avenues of best approach to expand global awareness and streamline resources.

Seriously... who decided this was a good idea? They do realize this is not normal, right? Do they really expect people to just blindly apply to a position without really knowing what it entails? Or is there some sort of secret decoder ring that only those who have gone to an Ivy League business school are privy to?

Language like that would be a huge red flag for me.
OTOH, If its for 6 figures plus benefits they can spout whatever they like....

quote:

Seriously... who decided this was a good idea? They do realize this is not normal, right? Do they really expect people to just blindly apply to a position without really knowing what it entails? Or is there some sort of secret decoder ring that only those who have gone to an Ivy League business school are privy to?

^^^^^^
This is poor writing and communication. I have a Liberal Arts degree and was trained in written communication. The ability to communicate in a simple and understandable fashion is a learned skill. I would expect someone with an Ivy League degree to write much better than this. This sort of writing conveys ignorance in my book.

quote:

Works as part of a outwardly-focused subject matter team to compile transparent deliverables and synergize with both inter-office and intra-office throughputs to leverage granular technological data and execute best practices. Liaises with community-centric, corporate-forward external stakeholders to develop new scalable processes geared towards exploring avenues of best approach to expand global awareness and streamline resources.

Choose 4 nouns from column “A”; 5 verbs from column “B”; and 6 adjectives/adverbs from column “C”. Throw all into a blender and pour out contents onto a sheet of paper. You now have a “job description” that means nothing, for a job that requires you to count paper clips.

“Works as part of a outwardly-focused subject matter team to compile transparent deliverables and synergize with both inter-office and intra-office throughputs to leverage granular technological data and execute best practices. Liaises with community-centric, corporate-forward external stakeholders to develop new scalable processes geared towards exploring avenues of best approach to expand global awareness and streamline resources”

Sounds like a job description for shoveling shit in Louisiana.

Or as we used to say "Dazzle them with brilliance and baffle them with bullshit".

The problem is that the job description is NOT even acceptable bullshit or dazzling in any way. Sounds like word salad to me which in the past used to be indicative of advanced schizphrenia.
The following is a good example of word salad:

"The sheep languished blue trains suffer. Windows books dogs hands run."

Sounds like that company outsourced job description write ups to the same guys who write those Nigerian emails.

If you take the job, this might help you fit in...
https://www.atrixnet.com/bs-generator.html

Randomly generates corporate bullshit.

quote:

Works as part of a outwardly-focused subject matter team to compile transparent deliverables and synergize with both inter-office and intra-office throughputs to leverage granular technological data and execute best practices. Liaises with community-centric, corporate-forward external stakeholders to develop new scalable processes geared towards exploring avenues of best approach to expand global awareness and streamline resources.

In my job I work with the tax law daily and have read many complex documents (tax opinions, court decisions on complex topics, purchase and sale agreements, etc.) It's not often I read something and think - I have no idea what they are saying.

Actually I read it twice. First time was late last night and figured I didn't understand it because I was tired. Read it again this morning and now wonder if the person gets paid by the word.

I echo the above post - the author sure used a lot of words and yet they seem to say nothing...

Well, as I stated in the OP, that is a hyperbolic example. It's exaggerated. It's not a verbatim copy from any specific job description.

I didn't want to simply cut and paste a portion of the actual job descriptions because reasons. Besides, the rant is about corporate-speak in job descriptions in general, not about one specific job description in particular.

The actual job descriptions I was reading are filled with similar buzzword obfuscation, though not quite as densely-packed and not quite that nonsensical.

My point is, I don't understand why they'd do that, especially if they're specifically trying to recruit outside people who aren't traditionally from the Corporate World and who aren't already completely steeped in the corporate jargon. They can't expect "regular" people to be able to translate all of it and know exactly what the job entails. Why not just use plain language?

I have done some technical writing in the past.

I authored several chapters in a text book that was used in post-graduate courses at Bell Labs.

Reading the "job description" in the original post, I have absolutely no idea what that job is about, no idea what the duties are, no idea what the requirements or qualifications are.

It reminds me of some of the meetings that I was forced to attend, where speakers were marketing types, or mid-level managers who really did nothing to contribute to the success of a project, and who were trying to justify their positions and their salary.

Sounds like they want it to rate highly in a search engine.

Wonder how much better it would actually work for them to say "You will be bored motherless 98% of the time, and scared shitless for 2%."

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Originally posted by apprentice:
Wonder how much better it would actually work for them to say "You will be bored motherless 98% of the time, and scared shitless for 2%."

That would probably work much better than corporate jargon when trying to recruit cops, considering we're already used to that.

The other side of the coin is people reviewing it prior to publishing would be treated to a sitdown with their boss AND HR if they reviewed the wording the way common sense would dictate, "what kind of brain dead idiot wrote that drivel?"

Instead, they have to say phrases like "I have a few concerns" and essentially call something fertilizer when it's shit.

Job ads like that one conceal what they are really planning to do with the position.

If you're even considering looking at it, ask them to give specific information on what the job expectations will entail.

Translate I will

Works as part of a outwardly-focused subject matter team to compile transparent deliverables and synergize with both inter-office and intra-office throughputs to leverage granular technological data and execute best practices.
Translation: You know stuff and work with others that know stuff. You will write stuff and merge it with stuff others write to produce detailed reports recommending things that actually work.

Liaises with community-centric, corporate-forward external stakeholders to develop new scalable processes geared towards exploring avenues of best approach to expand global awareness and streamline resources.
Translation: You will meet with civic minded business folks and talk about getting the message to a larger audience with an eye towards cutting staff.

I am not really a translator but have been reading and listening to corporate speak for too long.