January 07, 2025, 05:11 AM
PrefontaineEvery year, same thing. A lesson in marketing, advertising, and consumerism.
Every year, same thing.
January: NFL Playoffs
Get your Tostitos, alcohol, order a Pizza on the “big deal”. You order two pizzas and the third one is free got damnit! For a limited time!!!!!! And if you do it now can get into our program where we’ll give you an Emergency Pizza to use when you need it, for FREE!!!!!! Get some wangs! $5 Taco Bell box combo. It tastes like cardboard or someone’s ass hole but it’s on sale!!!!!!! Make your pics on the betting app. Check your fantasy island, I mean fantasy football team. Eat, consume, sleep, repeat! Take down all that bullshit you put up in the yard. Take down all the damn lights too. Put it in boxes, and shove them into your garage where you can’t even park a vehicle.
February: Super Bowl + Valentine’s Day. Take everything above and multiply X 100. Have a Super Bowl party and order a 10 foot long Subway sandwich!!!!!! Don’t forget the chips you bitch! Door Dash, Grub Hub, pizza delivery, wangs delivery, everything delivery! Need a new TV?? It’s the TV sale of all TV sales! We have enough TV’s on sale, so many, you could wrap them around the entire Earth if you strung the boxes together! Yippee Kiyah Mother Fucker! Let’s fucking go!!!!!!!! Get pumped for the Super Bowl half time shit with some lame ass artist that either sucks or is over the hill! Get all jacked up. Yeah you’ll feel like shit on Monday at work, but it was worth it! Mass quantities!!!!! And let’s tune in for just the commercials because that makes sense. Get your head programmed by a bunch of bullshit marketing and consumerism and you can watch it all again on YouTube!!!!! It’s the got damn event of the whole year! Our Police officers, Fireman, paramedics, entire military, teachers, nurses, doctors, all our local heroes, they don’t mean shit compared to the got damn Super Bowl and all the commercials!!! That quarterback is the shit man, he deserves that 50 million dollars a year. He needs his new jet and Lamborghini yacht!
And make sure to buy your sweetheart/gf/wife a big ass rock from “Just Jared”. Get the two diamond ring thing. One cuz she’s your best friend, the second rock cuz she’s the true love of your life. Being in love is an amazing thing. Being in love with your best friend is EVERYTHING! Buy some candy. Buy some overpriced flowers you could get a better deal on a week before or after. Wait in a long ass line to eat a meal that you could NOT wait at all for the day before or the day after. It HAS to be done on February 14th for some reason, even if there is no rule book. All the commercialism says you have to do it on this fucking date, that’s the (fake) rule!!!!!
March: March Madness! Download the brackets! Debate about it like you are paid on ESPN to do it! Go on social medias and talk shit, if your wittle team wins or loses. More fantasy team bullshit too, YaY! Lawn care commercials out the ass. Get a head start on that mulch/fertilizer, buy some flowers to plant. Home Depot the fuck out that lawn buddy! Home Depot has all the lawn trinkets on sale!!!!!!!!! Get that new mower/trimmer/weed eater. Feel like the big man as you load it all up in truck bed. You’re straight fucking killing it bro! Cue Home Depot voice guy “THIS IS WHAT WE DO!”
April: Get ready for spring! Spring Break bitches! Vacation! Baseball season starts! Ohmygerd! Opening day and shat! Get your tickets, buy popcorn/hotdog, get a big ass Coke/Beer! Get season tickets!!!!!! Get some overpriced trinkets at the stadium too! Oh and they got grills on sale at Home Depot. You know you want to grill meat! You deserve it!!!!!
May: Memorial Day sale! Get your new mattress. Buy that new car!!!! Come on over to Dick Sweeney’s GM/Acura/Toyota, we have it on the lot, the exact one you want! Low financing, all credits approved no matter your score! We’ll even throw in that Tru-Coat for $500!!!!!!!!!!!! You deserve it!!!!
Don’t remember our soldiers who have fallen while defending America nor the toll it took on their families. Lost fathers, lost brothers, sisters, etc. Go for the sales instead mattress man!! MURICA!
June: Schools out for summer! Schools out 4Evah! More sales. Car sales, swimwear sales, you name it sales! NBA Playoffs! Playoffs? You talking about playoffs! Tune in to see some half ass overpaid prima donna athletes chunk 3’s. No more defense. They shoot 100 three pointers a game now, flop for fouls, and hard fouls, you get ejected. Even the 7 foot centers, they are out on the perimeter chunking 3’s instead of doing what they used to, play physical in the paint around the rim. One of them stubs their toe and they can’t play the big game cuz of it, and he makes 50 mil a year! Oh and get those concert tickets!!!!!!! I mean your credit cards are already fucked, what’s another $500 or $1000 gonna make a difference? You deserve it! Pay those obscene Ticketmaster fees. Go to the overpriced festival! Oh and “HOT GIRL SUMMER!”
July: July 4th. Fireworks! More sales. Sales on everything. They are all cashing in on our nation’s birthdate! Get that new car, tv, grill, swimwear, all clothing, even underwears! Then prepare yourself for absolute rookies lighting off fireworks around your house the two nights before, one night before, the night of, shit we’re lighting off fireworks with no got damn sense all week! It ain’t the 4th of July unless some idiot catches a vehicle or someone’s home on fire! It’s an American tradition!!!!!!
August: Back to school! All clothing on sale (again)!!!!!!!! Get your school supplies early!!!!! We got deals out the ass on phones/computers, and furniture! Cue mass commercials of happy Billy and Cindy loading up the kid’s car to go to college! Aren’t you proud! Celebrate by buying a whole bunch of shit from IKEA!
September: Labor Day Sales!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes!!!! All them shits are on sale, AGAIN! You name it, it’s on sale mother fucker!!!! Oh, get your Hell-o-ween bullshit early too. Beat the crowds by a whole 2 months as we have the store chocked full of all the bullshit you want.
And guess what? NFL season starts! Oh my fuckety fuck. NFL!!!!! Honey let’s order matching jerseys this year and paint our faces all up like some Hell-O-ween bullshit. As a matter of fact, fuck paying down the mortgage or getting that new vehicle we need, fuck it, let’s get season tickets! They are only Twenty Thousand dollars! Do we have room on our credit cards for it? If so, fuck it, we’re doing it!!!!!! Order the NFL app too, or the DirecTV NFL package!!!!
October: Hell-o-ween all month long. Costumes, pumpkins, candy, 6 feet wannabe horror devices to stick in that front lawn! You know you want to beat Billy and Cindy down the block for the most shit in the yard in the entire neighborhood! Make sure you got the latest 6-8 foot wolfman/scarecrow/whatthefuckever thing that howls or makes some kind of racket. Mu ha ha ha. Oh my I’ve never seen this shit before it’s fucking scary! I need to get home quick and get under the covers and keep the lights on cuz Billy and Cindy’s lawn is scary as fuck!!!!!! Make sure to buy a Pumpkin, carve it out, and put a candle in it, oh sorry that was the 80’s. Make sure to carve a Pumpkin, and stick a LED light in that bitch! How original!!!!!!! Put on the porch lights so people can ring the door bell every couple of minutes and give the family k9 an early coronary. He shit in the house that one time so he deserves this audible hell all night! Feed the kids a fuck ton of sugar so they can stay up all got damn night. It makes perfect sense!
November: Oh we are in it now. Hell night is done so now it’s fucking WREATH TIME! Wreath for the front door, big! Get your big ass turkey lawn ornament thing to stick in the front yard with your elaborate lawn decorations! Buy a wreath for your front bumper of your vehicle! Buy mass quantities at the grocery store cuz we are gonna overeat like a mother fucker this year! Get ready, it’s BLACK FRIDAY and CYBER MONDAY MONDAY MONDAY monster truck pull style! We’ve got all the devices you want. They are all more or less the same as the shit you have now, but you need a new one! Just because mother fucker. The iPhone 43 has a single digit percentage point better camera than the iPhone 42, time to upgrade bitch! You got that old ass shit! Get the clear case for that mother fucker too so you can flaunt it as you walk into the Walmart or better yet, drive down the street in your vehicle looking down at it. It’s so beautiful. My precious! Oh and don’t forget all the lawn ornaments again. You gotta compete with Billy and Cindy this month cuz they busted your ass last month. You can get them back. Don’t worry about all the boxes all the lawn ornaments take up. We’ll just move our expensive vehicles out into the driveway, exposed to Mother Nature and the elements all year. We need all them lawn shits! Let’s buy enough to stack boxes from the flo’ to the ceiling in that got damn garage! If I can see concrete in that mother fucker we don’t have enough! Let’s buy so many got damn lawn decorations we’ll have to rent a storage unit to store all them shits!
Thanksgiving, let’s drive an insane amount, road trip time! It’s only one of the busiest weeks of the year to travel, sounds like fun! A shit ton of people on the road at the same time? Sign our asses up! Or maybe lets fly this year! TSA is awesome and I bet there won’t be anyone at the airport! That’s the ticket, we’re geniuses! On fake bird day, overeat, pass out, eat again, then NFL games and beer!!!!! YaY!!!
Veterans Day? What is that? Is that for NFL veterans, the former players?
December: Let’s get readddddd———-yyyyy to rummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-bbbbb—-llll-eee!!!
Sales on everything! Let’s get in the car and go to every store and make the roads and highways worse than rush hour! Let’s buy little red caps like the fat white bearded fuck wears and sport that to dinner! Let’s buy some antler looking things and stick them on the See You Vee!!!!! We’ll be original! And don’t use the Thanksgiving wreath we bought for the CUV, let’s get another one, but red this time!!!!! Let’s go back into the garage where you can’t even see the got damn floor and pull out all the fake Christmas shit, it’s time to fuck that lawn up! Fuck Billy and Cindy, we’re taking those bitches out this year! I don’t care if the electric bill is $1000. I want got damn astronauts on the ISS to see our fucking lawn!!!!!!! I’m gonna make a YouTube video out of it and it’s going viral. Get the key fob, we’re going to Home Depot to buy all the lights and decorations they got. It’s on! Let’s mass buy consumer products we don’t need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t know! We have to own this shit! And fuck cooking, and eating right. We’re going out to eat for every meal! McDonald’s, Taco Hell, Arby’s, they all have apps now!!!!! We can use our phones even more!!!!! And we can post about how bad ass we are on all the social medias with tons of pictures and make everyone jealous of our super-consumer lifestyle! I don’t care how much gas we burn in the tank this month nor how much disaster we do to our credit cards. We deserve it! Let’s get matching awful sweaters to go over to Billy and Cindy’s house, we’ll show those mother fuckers who has the Christmas spirit! As a matter of fact, Karen, let’s go get you a new CUV! I saw the Chevrolet commercial today where the husband buys the wife a $50,000 Christmas present, sounds super affordable, they have 96 month financing now! Let’s do that, and punk Billy out! He’ll know who is boss now got damnit! Let’s buy the latest, awful, Christmas tunes, from some artist that’s a has been! It’s new, just download it off Amazon and pay em’, we’ve got Prime for a discount! Let’s hit all the stores again. They’ll all be playing this awful music, LOUD, and I want to hear it got damnit! We should compare who has the better and louder awful Christmas music, Applebees or Walmart! We need new stockings for stocking stuffers, new lights, new trinkets, new vehicles, new fake tree, new ornaments for new fake tree, new clothes, new computer devices, new flat panel tv, new video games for the kids, new electric scooters for the kids, new phones/watches for the kids because we need to know where they are 24/7/365 so we can be helicopter parents! For goodness sake they could get stuck somewhere where nobody has a phone to make a call! Let’s just go ape all month until the 25th. And honey you can go to LuLu lemon or whatever the fuck it’s called and spend $1000 on leggings that make your fat thighs look like a pile of mash potatoes!!!!!!!!!!!! And every weekend, NFL FOOTBALL MOTHER FUCKERS! And whatever we do, lets do everything but think about that Holy man that walked the Earth in year 0000, that this whole thing is about! It’s not his birthday, the savior of all mankind, it’s our birthday! So what if he died for us, getting tortured to death in the most gruesome way, Braveheart style, that was over two thousand years ago! That’s ancient history. Let’s go buy a bunch of unneeded consumer products we can’t really afford instead! We aren’t getting our knees and praying to say thank you and you know what? I bet Billy and Cindy aren’t either!
NYE: Overpriced dinners, overpriced bar entry, expensive drinks. And fireworks! Oh my fuck, I’ve seen fireworks 100 times, but maybe this year will be different! Let’s do it! You could stay home and stay off the road and away from drunks but fuck that! Let’s go buy $1000 worth of boos and have people over and jam up the entire street, fuck it! Oh and the consumer product holiday bonanza season sales are still going on. Did we miss anything? We can still get it! We gotta spend even more money because you know how pissed off we’ll be January 15th when the credit card bills start rolling in. Come on, lets fall out of the got damn tree and hit every branch on the way down! Do you believe in miracles? YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! Mid January we’ll just go into work right after the credit card bills hit, and be absolute ass holes to everyone at work because we’ll be broke and no vacation days for 6 months. Fuck all those people at work anyhow, they aren’t important, we are, the commercials, social medias and YouTube said so!!!!!!!
Add in all the Hallmark days. Mothers Day. Fathers Day. Grandparents Day. LBGT whatever letters come after that day. This and that race day. Cinco De Mayos! Irish Day, green beer bitches! Buy little cards, buy them by the stacks, mail them out. Some Hallmark writer will capture everything we thought we were thinking 100% accurately. They know better than us! Corporations > Human beings.
Eat, consume, rinse, repeat. To quote Mark Hanna:
“It’s all a fugazi. You know what a fugazi is?”
“Fugayzi, fugazi, it’s a whazy, it’s a woozy, it’s… (WHISTLES) Fairy dust. It doesn’t exist. It’s never landed. It is no matter. It’s not on the elemental chart. It’s not fucking real. Right?”
“Keep the clients on the Ferris wheel. And it goes. The park is open 24/7, 365, every decade, every go*damn century. That’s it.”
