So my washing machine puked.

What the fuck ever happened to the harvest gold and avocado green appliances that lasted forever that people only got rid of because they were tired of looking at baby shit colored appliances? Instead a relatively new white Maytag and it’s deader than an aspiring rapper who was just turning his life around.

Yep, died with a tub full of water and clothes. How to get the water out? I’ll use my Shop Vac. Shit! It’s in a storage container in Phoenix that I still haven’t shipped up yet. Ok, borrow a buddy’s Shop Vac, 2 full containers and the tub in the machine is empty. Relatively painless. Then my buddy calls, needs his Shop Vac back because his washing machine just puked as well.

Call up Reliable Appliance, have them look at it to see if it’s fixable. Diagnosis is the motor is burned up, knew that already due to the main floor of my house smelling like a Phish concert. $500 to replace the motor, but the transmission may also be burned out and that’s no longer a supported item and not available. Well, that’s an easy decision and one more offering made to the Gods of our Disposable Society. Ask him for a recommendation on a new machine and he strongly recommends against another Maytag, states they have more service calls with them than any other brand. I guess the Maytag repairman couldn’t take loneliness anymore and has turned to making shitty appliances to repair over Tinder as a way to meet frustrated suburban housewives.

Start researching online for reviews so I can but something and not have to repeat this process ever again in my lifetime. What’s the best? Speed Queen. Cool I’ll get one. Shit! It’s $2500 just for a washing machine! I’ve owned cars I paid less than that for (and yes now I officially feel like an old fart, “GET OFF MY LAWN!”). What’s next best? Electrolux and GE, cool I’ll go look for one of those.

Then I experienced one of the joys of living in Alaska, trying to find anything in stock. Go to Home Depot’s website and literally NOTHING shows as available to pick up or deliver in Alaska. Figured that can’t be right, so go to the Ghetto Home Depot next to the abandoned Northway Mall. Finally able to stalk a clerk and tackle him to ask,

“Is your website really correct and there’s no washing machines in stock.”

“No we have plenty, just look for the yellow tags.”

Well, “Plenty” really is just a few and they all have stamped on the bottom of the tag, “Discontinued/Display/Clearance No Delivery or SetUp Available.”

“Hey buddy, I know it’s stamped on the tag, but is there any delivery service available at all?”

“Nope, that’s up to you, we’ll help you load it here but that’s as far as we go?”

“So where’s the illegals in the parking lot I can pay cash to and make this happen?”

“What?”

Evidently the humor escaped him as being a lesser 48 thing that hasn’t spread this far north of the border.

Ok off to Lowe’s, I’ve got a Lowe’s card, it’s interest free for 12 months, they have Electrolux in stock, maybe I can forgive their past transgression of the delivery crew with my refrigerator, why the fuck not? Cool, sign the paperwork on a sexy Glacier Blue front loading Electrolux washing machine (did I just lose Man Card points for that?) on sale (has anyone ever been in an appliance store that wasn’t having a sale?). Ask several times if it is in stock. Assured that it was and I would be called on Monday to arrange delivery. Go home, crack a beer, sit out on the back deck and throw the tennis ball for the dog, all is right in the world knowing that I’ll never have to stand in armed overwatch over my laundry at the laundromat ever again. Get a call that Monday from the delivery service asking what dates would work for deliver I tell them Thursday or Friday that week would work.

“I’m sorry Mr. Miller that appliance will not be available for delivery until after May 27th.”

“Excuse me what the hell?”

Evidently my definition of in stock and available is different than Lowe’s definition of in stock and available. Lowe’s definition is that it has been acquired by their purchasing department and is sitting in a warehouse somewhere awaiting shipment to Alaska. So haul my cookies down to Lowe’s and ask if anything is available to be installed before May 27th.

“We have this Saphire Blue GE washer available for installation today.”

“No thanks, it’s $1,500, about twice as much as the one I ordered.”

“But it’s Saphire Blue!”

“And so are my balls from getting screwed with no relief what so ever, cancel the order.”

So now it’s off to Allen & Peterson, a local appliance store. Find a competent salesman who actually knows the product he’s selling. Has live inventory on his tablet and can tell me exactly what is in stock in his Anchorage and Wasilla stores and available delivery dates that are just 2 days out. Oh my God! Nirvana! The nightmare is over! In an orgasmic moment of relief I went ahead and ordered the washer and the dryer to go with it, thinking if the washer was such a POS, I don’t want to repeat this experience in a few days, weeks, months whatever with the dryer. So out comes the plastic and down goes the signature, delivery scheduled for Friday between 4:00 and 6:00PM.

So delivery today, worked the night before, got up early so I could clear the area, move the Jeep out of the garage and get ready for delivery. 6:00 rolls around and no delivery, no phone call, no text to update, nuthin’! WTF? Check the on-line delivery confirmation still scheduled for 5:15-5:45PM. WTF? Tried calling the phone number on the delivery confirmation, “We’re sorry the number you dialed is outside of your calling are and cannot be completed.” WTF? Tried calling the store, they’re closed for the day. WTF? Tried replying to my e-mail confirmation, get an automated reply that the mailbox does not accept messages. WTF? I’m pissed, I’m thinking it’s going to be a life imitates art scenario of Falling Down in the morning with me in Allen & Peterson’s store.

Finally I get a call at 7:30PM from the delivery driver. He informs me that he is in Talkeetna and that I’m next on their delivery schedule. For those not familiar with Alaskan geography, Talkeetna is 2 hours north of my house in Eagle River. I’m tempted just to tell him to keep it on the truck and not even bother, but then I start to think that doing so might be one of the most masochistic moments in history that would make even Erwin Schrodinger blush.

9:15PM the Allen & Peterson truck backs up in my driveway. Two ginormous Samoans on the delivery team, insert every applicable stereotype. “OK Boss?” Everything went well, they were not thrilled when I asked them to flip the hinges on both machines, but they did it. It’s Friday night, it’s late, it’s their last delivery and I’m kind of feeling for the guys so I offer them a six pack out of the fridge to take home with them.

“No thanks, we don’t drink, but can we interest you in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints?”

I CANNOT WIN ON THIS DEAL!

Enjoyed your write-up! Sorry for your troubles!

My sister and he hubby were in Eagle River for 6 years, he was JAG for the AF Base. They have LOTS of stories to tell about Alaska and the "interesting" life that living there produces. I have to say I feel for you. Good news is that the scenery you are living in is truly Spectacular. So give the lawn mower a Bronx cheer and go for a nice drive this weekend.

quote:

Originally posted by Scooter123:
Good news is that the scenery you are living in is truly Spectacular.

Something that 2000Z-71 could have truly come to appreciate while down at the creek with a washboard, doing his laundry by hand awaiting May 27th.

^^^The creek is likely to still be frozen over thru May 27th!

quote:

Originally posted by nhracecraft:
^^^The creek is likely to still be frozen over thru May 27th!

Meh, the trail down to the river behind the house has been clear for a couple of weeks now. The nightly dog walks to the river have returned!

The LDS was the kicker. Entertaining up to there. Got a genuine laugh at that point.

I loved summers in Alaska, but 8 or 9 months of winter and the "in stock" bullshit are definitely two of the things I don't miss. In stock to me meant sitting in a warehouse in Anchorage or Wasilla not sitting in a warehouse in Seattle. Sump pump and furnace squirrel cage fan were 2 that come to mind on zero inventory in Alaska.

I was surprised how many Samoans were in the Anchorage area freezing their asses off. I had Samoans on both my moving in crew and moving out crew. I always buy lunch for the moving crew and on the moving out crew none had ever tried a Bahn Mi sandwich. They all liked the Bahn Mis and one of the Samoans ate 3 Bahn Mis for lunch.

2000Z -- Your tale takes me back to the years that I lived in Puerto Rico. Perfect description of daily life for us in that tropical paradise.

Epic Rant!

"But it's sapphire blue!"

Best line ever!

Just a few days ago I was thinking of the old “Old Fart On Campus” entertaining posts. lol.
.

quote:

died with a tub full of water and clothes.

Seems like that's the way it always goes. Thankfully with older washers it's easier to trick the pump into running even if the motor's dead.

Thankfully it's a little easier to find stuff down here in the lower 48, and I have a truck and a giant 15 year-old who can carry stuff. We have a local appliance place that sells new stuff out of their showroom in the front, and they also sell refurbished old stuff out the back. My last two washers I got for them for about $200...the first one lasted 10 years and the other is still going strong after 5. There are 6 of us so we run it hard every day. When it finally dies, I'll scrap it and buy another one. It's not sapphire blue , but it gets the job done for a price that I can't argue with.

I am truly sorry for your troubles, I really am. However; when 2000Z-71 shows up in the "What's Your Deal" section, it's time to get out the popcorn and sit back and get ready. You know it's going to be good.
Rod