So we have this pizza place that has reopened. R&R Pizza. I was never here for the first two openings of the shop, but now they are on their third go of it.

So these guys make made a fantastic pizza. The veggies are extremely fresh. So tasty and flavorful. The pepperoni is tasty, not greasy, and amazing. The Italian Sausage is spiced to perfection. It’s absolutely amazing pizza. I almost forgot, the crust. It’s crispy and chewy and just perfect. It doesn’t get better than this.

Until the last three times I ordered pizza.

What kind of shitgibbon, fuck muppet, wearing goddamn mittens when making a pizza piles everything in the middle. Just a shitty pile of ingredients in the middle of the crust.

So you get some half cooked dogpile of stuff in the middle of a crust that is more confused than a transsexual. Raw and basically just dough in the center, and cooked beyond recognition around the edges. This isn’t going on a merry go round to get evened out. I hadn’t planned on spreading pizza toppings like a PB&J. Was I supposed to put it in the old 33 rpm, drop the needle and hope it will smooth out and be ready to eat?

What soulless heathen thinks this is acceptable? Here’s a fucking crust burned worse than California, with a fucking gooey dough ball in the middle. Topped with great veggies that are trapped like a prostitute in Gary Heidnik’s basement, in a cheese sarcophagus that is so thick that it could encapsulate Reactor 4 at Chernobyl.

The last time I ordered a pizza I made it clear that the last two had been centerloaded. I was assured that it wouldn’t be an issue and they would handle it correctly.

Mr Muppet hands did handle it correctly. He put on his mittens, his blindfold, probably smoked a bowl, and tried to create the goddamned Eiffel Tower with toppings. The edges were more forgotten than the Salton Sea. The dough was cooked less than sushi. It was as sad as a French Mime.

I now know why this is the third time they have opened. I probably won’t go back again.

This is a really good rant. Fuck those guys, and their sad Eiffel Tower of toppings.

Shit.

I was hoping for a picture.

And that's how a rant is done.

Center-topping is a beginner's move. You should've taken some pics and posted them to their Yelp.

3 times is my limit. Consistency is uncommon. Employees are probably P.O 'd they have to go back to work and get less money than unemployment was giving them

Epic!

quote:

Originally posted by airsoft guy:
This is a really good rant.

You know you’ve ranted a good rant when airsoft guy says you’ve ranted a good rant.

Good thing about pizza shops is that they are a dime-a-dozen.

quote:

Originally posted by Graniteguy:
Good thing about pizza shops is that they are a dime-a-dozen.

Not good ones.

quote:

Originally posted by Graniteguy:
Good thing about pizza shops is that they are a dime-a-dozen.

Well not here, in little ole Cottonwood AZ. Let’s just leave out Dominos and the Hut, because really, it’s not food.

We have Pizzeria Bocce. They have good drinks, a great bocce ball court. The pizza is mediocre. They don’t have standard old pizza toppings. It’s an eclectic pizza place. And the crust sucks.

Vinnie’s New York Pizza. Two words: Grease Bomb. They have enough grease that Quaker State is jealous. And again, the crust sucks. You do get two slices (enough to cover two large dinner plates) for $7 with a soda. So every kid in town thinks it’s the greatest place ever. Yeah, sold by the slice. Says it all.

Acme Pizza. It’s okay. It’s consistently a 4. Not too greasy. Veggies are cut too thin, so when cooked most flavor is lost. Common theme of Cottonwood, the crust is not that great.

Merkin Pizza Wagon. Now I will give credit to Chef Chris. The MPW makes a good pizza. They don’t have standard toppings, so you get shit like mortadella and arugula with pistachios. But the toppings are fresh and flavorful. The crust is spectacular. The pizza is about the size and shape of a football flattened out. So it’s a once person pizza and it’s about $15. That said, it’s expensive and it’s not like a normal pizza.

Then you have R&R who I ranted about.

Any other pizza selection here in The Wood, comes from your grocer’s freezer.

quote:

Originally posted by Edmond:
Shit.

I was hoping for a picture.

quote:

Originally posted by sigmonkey:

quote:

Originally posted by Edmond:
Shit.

I was hoping for a picture.

Funny - I was thinking the same thing since I watched that movie last night.

Class A rant. Needs pix.

"...shitgibbon, fuck muppet..."

That's poetry right there. I giggled so hard I had a little tiny braingasm.

You could channel tacfoley and adapt his phrase to really get things going. I'm thinking something like "Fix your shit with the Eiffel Tower of cheese swathed transsexual vegetable mush in the center of my pizza, or I will drive down there, rip the mitten encased arms off of shitgibbon fuck muppet and beat him to death with the floppy bits."

I know I'd feel better...

quote:

Originally posted by Krazeehorse:

quote:

Originally posted by Graniteguy:
Good thing about pizza shops is that they are a dime-a-dozen.

Not good ones.

Yup.

We have three pizza places from which we order: None of them particularly exemplary, but they're all we have.

Inevitably, the one we use currently will deliver too many really bad pizzas in too short a time period and we'll switch to one of the other two until they do the same.

Even worse, in my neighborhood, is Chinese take-out. There simply is no decent Chinese take-out w/in any reasonable driving range. Period.

quote:

So it’s a once person pizza and it’s about $15. That said, it’s expensive and it’s not like a normal pizza.

Good pizza costs money.....

Similar stuff here haven't found anything fantastic, just chains, locals are average

Only solution is to put in your own pizza oven

For me, the dead give away of a shitty pizza is when the maker refers to it as "wood fired".
And its over priced, too.

Sounds like the last pizza chef left when the kung flu hit and they hired a new pizza chef "Mittens" when they reopened.

quote:

They have enough grease that Quaker State is jealous.

Hahahahahahah!

But seriously, I make my own pizza. I make and freeze my own dough, sauce, cheese mix and sautéed peppers & onions. Sweet Italian sausage is also cooked up and frozen. I pullout the dough the night before and the rest in the morning, then I am ready to make pizza for dinner.

quote:

Originally posted by YooperSigs:
For me, the dead give away of a shitty pizza is when the maker refers to it as "wood fired".

I worked the oven at one such place. The truth is, it's really hit and miss, and depends on the folks making the product and running the oven. Those ovens are capable of absolute magic even with mediocre ingredients on the pie, but you have to know what you're doing. Many don't, and as a result, there's a lot of bad product that gets served.

quote:

Originally posted by YooperSigs:
And its over priced, too.

At least where I worked, there was a whole dynamic to the place that should be explained. The kitchen manager was loved by corporate because he took a restaurant that was upside-down on costs and turned it around so that the food started being profitable again. How he did that was cheap the fuck out on the ingredients and amounts. White sauce? No, heavy whipping cream. Corporate recipe says use straight red sauce on the pies? No, pour it all in a five gallon bucket and cut it with two cans of water per can of sauce and mix in more dry seasonings. Corporate recipe calls for X amount of topping on X pizza? No, cut the amount of toppings by a third or a half. Why did it get this way? Because the head bartender was comping drinks by ringing them in as a comped food sale, throwing the math way way off on our food costs. That part wasn't discovered until after they promoted out the kitchen manager to another location and put a corporate by-the-book stooge in his place. He followed corporate recipes and used the ingredient amounts as prescribed and our food costs went absolutely orbital, prompting his forced resignation only a few months after he took over.

Oh, and you're paying for the firewood to run the oven all day.

As it was, this particular location happens to be across the street from a factory where they build airplanes, so we were absolutely slammed at every meal shift, and the result became a focus on cheap and fast, quality took a back seat and apparently the customers didn't care. It was drunk munchie food to help pace a night of drinking after work.

I have no doubt it can be done very well, but I think it would require a one person owner who works there from before sunrise to late at night kind of thing. This type of restaurant model isn't really geared for our society where people want cheap, high quality, and fast all at the same time.