I work for your uncle. There are whole divisions that sit around and think about how things should be done. These people have never done the things that they are binding.
So, you get a task: Tell me how this performs against that. Oh and by the way, you only get to use this rock.

I could give you the answer in 5 minutes if you would allow...

NO! Use the rock!
10 million years later I provide a wrong answer.

I think you're talking about something like this...



-Rob

You just described 3/4 of the command staff on the Chicago Police Department.

I feel your pain!

We just hired a guy to oversee jobs. We are a heavy equipment construction company, we are very diversified from site development to marine construction to some residential stuff. This dude came from a tree company and doesn’t know shit from shinola. I was on the marine construction side for 30 plus years and had enough, now just move equipment and haul stone etc because that’s all I want to do. He came up to me on a job and said he wanted me to do something a certain way, I shut the semi off and said here’s the keys mother fucker, it won’t work. That’s last I’ve seen or heard from the dumb fuck in 3 months. I come in and do my stuff and have no interaction with his dumb ass anymore.

quote:

Originally posted by BurtonRW:
I think you're talking about something like this...




-Rob

I use this as a training video for new program managers.

That video is Hilarious!

quote:

Originally posted by xd45man:
That video is Hilarious!

It would be if it wasn't so darn real!

All day at my work place. They assign some H1B Visa to project lead and this person has never done any of the work before. But they think they walk on water because they made a fancy spreadsheet. It’s a joke.

quote:

Originally posted by BurtonRW:
I think you're talking about something like this...



-Rob

I really wish you wouldn't post video of me explaining whether the printer my dad is thinking about buying for his business is good or not, and why I need to know what he plans on doing with it to make a proper analysis.

Expert: definition
ex = former
spurt = drip

Expert = former drip.

An expert is someone who used to a sorry excuse for a job of what you accomplish daily.

I'm bumping this to the top because I got a full dose of this today.

Random Dude: What if I could give you a spreadsheet with all of the variables in your analysis listed out line by line. Would that be helpful?

Me: No.

Random Dude: Why not? You haven't even tried it!

Me: Well there are these things called arrays and you can write computer code to cycle through these arrays. You can even apply statistical methods to these arrays.

Random Dude: Well we have been instructed to use the spreadsheet.

Me: I work on Linux and have no need for your dos spreadsheet.

Random Dude: This will need to be brought up at our next planning meeting. You will need to show performance metrics of why your arrays are better than my spreadsheet.

Me: Yeah whatever, I will be done with the entire project before that meeting happens.

I now work for an LE agency with excessively strong civilian oversight. I'm being told how to establish reasonable suspicion and probable cause by a 35-year-old civilian with zero LE experience, no legal background, but who has a MBA, so that fixes everything.

I'll be quitting as soon as possible

A few years ago we were told to use a new program at work I like to call oCRAP.

The representative came to us 70 or so days after implementation, singing praises of the trainwreck that is oCRAP.

His idea was to add another train and burn two more dumpsters on the side.

I explained that I've never used any software that spit out as many errors.

'...but we have fixed most of the problems!' he said.

I replied: 'You can't shine a turd.'

Thank God I'm retired . I was a Maintenance Foreman at a Power Company . I built , repaired , and maintained high voltage substations and associated equipment . It seemed like every week we were getting a new " process " that had been passed down from some white collar bean counter . They succeeded in making simple jobs become difficult and more time consuming . They preached safety and then added multiple distractions by making people worry about if they were violating some ridiculous rule . The paperwork needed to satisfy these idiots was overwhelming . Documentation , and procedures became the most often used buzz words. They took a fascinating job and turned it into drudgery .

Related: Parenting advice from those who never had kids.

Women in their 50's who never had kids are the worst. always providing parenting advice and not having any experience beyond, "I used to babysit my sister's kid."

I worked for the Bureau of Prisons, which is top heavy with "experts." Want examples? For years there was a prison run as "co-corrections." This meant male and female convicts in the same prison. The abortions and births didn't kill it, though. The long term cost of HIV treatment did. I once busted an orgy in the kitchen DURING A MEAL with 35 inmates involved. I had a couple in a sex act crash thru a ceiling. Yup, those experts really had great ideas.

^Yeah, but how many escape attempts?

quote:

Originally posted by BurtonRW:
I think you're talking about something like this...



-Rob

Yes, I’ve had to put red ink in a blue pen a few times.

The worst project manager I’ve ever worked under liked to print out web pages to read them. Then she would make a mile long list of changes to make so that it looked correct on her printout. “Move image 1mm to the right.” “Change text size on printed web site.”

Then a huge project was to put a camera feed on the web site so that dogmoms could see their fur babies from work. So I picked an appropriate camera and estimated the setup at $1200 but no they have a $90 webcam (not an IP camera) and wanted me to “make it work” because I’m an expert that can do miracles. So I had to query the computer with the camera attached to it for an image, upload it to their web server, change the name of the image and update the site every one second. They thought it was the coolest thing they ever thought of. It was embarrassingly choppy but they were pleased with themselves. Total cost $1900.

Sorry to dump this all here but I wanted everyone to know why I’m in lawn care now.