The 4 y/o was in rare form the other night when we were out for dinner.
Mama had enough so she snatched him up and started carrying him to the car. He was screaming and flailing making quite the scene in a very crowded eating establishment.
She gets him out to the car and his little body is full extension stopping her from putting him in the car. He is screaming at the top of his lungs then all of the sudden “STOP IT, JUST STOP IT YOU PENIS HEAD!!!!!!”
Glad I was not right there by them for him to see but I lost it. Guessing he learned that one at school. I’ll admit I have slipped out a couple that he has picked up on but that is not one I use.

My wife did not find it so funny at the time but now she laughs.

When my son was about the same age (4-5), he was in a discussion with an adult at a social gathering we were attending. Finally he looked at the guy and said, "Everybody knows that - where have you been?!"

I had to quickly exit the room to go laugh.

On a drive somewhere, the oldest boy (11) was complaining about something. Mom and Dad had told him to stop complaining and it continued for a little longer. The youngest boy (4) said, "Stop being a little bitch (name)." Containing the laughter wasn't easy.

The little feller is gonna be a handful, the other day he took a boy down to the ground because he wouldn't share the ball. I am pretty sure his school record is growing and he's just in kindergarten.

Wouldn't trade either for the world.

Years ago, Ham Radio Club breakfast meeting, took a daughter, she was about 8 maybe. We had the meeting room reserved.

Everyone was served and eating except for the class clown, kind of guy that has to be the center of attention. (school teacher and a raving libtard) He won't even sit still long enough eat and is making a nuisance of himself in general.

So at one point he notices my daughter staring at him and he comes up across the table from her, bends down right in front of her face and ask her "What are you looking at?". She IMMEDIATELY, with the most serious face a blue eyed, blond headed little girl can muster said...

"I ain't figured that out yet".

The room bust out in loud roaring laughter... He sat down, red faced, and ate his breakfast in silence.

I was SO proud!

We went to a packed movie theater to see one of the Toy Story films, my son was maybe 5 yo. During a sad quiet scene at a moment of no dialog, my son let rip perhaps the loudest, most comical sounding fart in his life, and of course accidentally. The entire theater instantly erupted in laughter, including me and his mother. He slunk further down in his seat in embarrassment.

Not my kid, but my 3 yr old great-granddaughter:

"Mommy, I dreamed a monster was after me and he scared the shit out of me!"

(Mom): "Honey, that's not nice to say that - if you are gonna say that, just say he scared the crap out of you."

"I"m sorry Mommy, he scared the CRAP out of me!"

Mom: Good, now that sounds a little better!

Then she looks up and smiles, then adds: "But he really did scared the SHIT out of me!"

(I guess she has to call 'em like she sees 'em!

Then there was the time our toddler was out on the porch playing as I swang in the porch swing. She had climbed in a large but low flower pot, sat down and was playing in the dirt, no problem, no plants in the pot... then I noticed the dirt she was playing in was mud, and It hadn't rained in a long time.

Mom didn't find it nearly as funny as I did, but then she had to clean her up.

Leaking diaper... made her own mud... at least it was just pee.

My granddaughter was four or five and would talk in a funny British accent and would walk around saying, "I'm the queen of England". We were headed to dinner one night in the car and she was doing it and said, "I'm the fucking queen of England". I about pissed myself. Youngest daughter caught it all on tape!

My son (now 12) was routinely late for the bus. This led to stern lectures, then threats, then consequences. Nonetheless, he always runs late (he’s his mother’s child).

When he was about eight, he was again running late for the bus, his sister (waiting for him) is yelling up the stairs, and finally I run upstairs, yelling fire and brimstone and threatening dire consequences. He’s frantically trying to cram his shoes onto his feet.

Me: “What’s taking you so damn long?! You’re going to miss the bus!”

Ben: “I’m just trying to put these fucking shoes on!”

I had to walk out of the room so he wouldn’t see me laughing.

He made the bus.

It was pouring, so my best friend's five year old son could not go outside to play.

We happened to pass his room. He was sitting, looking out of the window, did not see us just outside of the door to his room, as he said to himself, "Look at that fucking rain!"

When my stepson was about 4 years old (I have been in his life since he was 3 months old) I took him to a doctor's appt for some shots at the office my wife worked at as a medical assistant.

In the exam room the doctor is trying to keep him at ease and asks him his name.

Him: Eric.
Doc: my name is Eric too, would you like to be a doctor when you grow up?
Him: no, when I grow up I'm going to be a Paul. (mej
Doc: confused look on his face
Him: and that scares mommy.

My wife about died and I was laughing so hard I fell out of my chair.

When my daughter was age 4, she and her mother were is a store shopping. My daughter saw a toy that she wanted and started to get cranky and whiney asking for the toy. No major meltdown, but definitely whiney. An elderly woman said to her "you're a cranky little girl." My daughter said "Well, you're a fat old lady."

Ala Moana Mall, late 80s, my daughter about 2 or 3, Cops was the thing to watch.

We're walking through the mall, daughter in her stroller, when we happen upon a shoplifter being arrested. And then my daughter belts out, at the top of her lungs, "bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?"

Me, my wife, the two cops, and the guy in cuffs, we're all laughing.

Just about a month ago my 4 years old asked me a question about doing something. I told him, "I dont know ask your mom," which apparently I say too often. He replied, "Dad are you smart?" I laugh and ask why, and he says, "because you only say I dont know." A couple days later he went to ask me something, then corrected himself saying he'd ask mom because she is smart and I don't know anything. It gave me a good laugh at him.

Some months back, my five year old son caught me cold with "Dad, Aunt Diane has a big, fat belly."

I was driving, and we weren't talking about anything. Apparently, it was just something on his mind. I couldn't help but laugh at first, because she does. I told him that him making me laugh was because I was surprised he would say something like that, and not to think it was funny, and that he should never tell people something like that. "If you told Aunt Diane that, she would cry, son." And that just about put him in tears. I wasn't mean about it, and he wasn't trying to be hurtful, he was just making a child's observation without understanding the impact.

A few weeks later, I was driving him to school and he sees a rather large fella walking a red Pomeranian with a very full coat. He blurts out "Dad! That fat guy is walking a chicken!" I looked again, and I could see what he thought he saw. Dog looked like a fucking red rooster at quick glance from the parting angle. I had to pull over, I was gasping for air. We had another chat about calling people fat (I ain't skinny) and I told him that yes, it looked like a chicken, but it was a dog. We've seen him since and he laughs and says "Dad, it's the guy with the chicken dog again!"

It's beyond rewarding, but being a parent is never short of challenges you aren't prepared for. Thankfully, these resulted in awkwardly stifled giggles and teaching moments instead of sheer panic.

My 21 years old son was 5 years old at the time. He decided that the door mat inside our front door moved too much. He went into the garage, took some 10-D nails and nailed the mat into the hardwood floor. They didn't go in too deep. How do you punish a kid that was trying to solve a problem? I didn't, still get a laugh over it.

I was about 5 at the time, my Mom had some friends over in the living room, and I had to pee.

While I am going my Mom yelled out for me to close the bathroom door, and I say;

"Mom I can't, my hands are full".

My oldest will be 5 this December and he's in full little boy mode where any talk of "poop", "fart" "toot" etc is like the most hilarious thing he ever heard.

His cousins who are 1 and 2 years older respectively have unfortunately taught him the phrase "buttcrack" and he goes around saying it to everything and laughing like a maniac.

One night I finally had enough and said "You are not saying buttcrack the rest of the night! You got that, Mister? Done!"

My boy, slick as he is says in this very innocent sweet voice "OK Daddy, I won't say buttcrack anymore tonight. No more saying buttcrack. Mommy, I'm not going to say buttcrack anymore! Nope, not going to say buttcrack anymore tonight!"

I lost it and had to cover my face and then my wife lost it and we both had to turn away lest he see us cracking up, then I tried my best stern face and ended up cracking up.

That stinker!

When my youngest boy was maybe 3 years old his mother was extremely mad at him for something. More than just angry, it was a complete shoutfest. You know, slamming doors, slamming drawers, throwing things. Read him the riot act up one side and down another! She finally paused to catch her breath for some more of it when he stands up very serious like and says "On the Contrary"..... Well, that ended that tirade as we both were completely dumbfounded that he had actually come up with that comeback!

"I met made a grey friend today daddy" this was when my son was about 5. A grey friend I ask? Yes, he's half black and half Japanese and Mormon my son replied. I asked him what does being Mormon have any do with your skin color. "Most Mormon people are white, so if you mixed yellow, white and black you get grey." That family is one of our best friends. That combo works for us!