We are programmed to believe that family relationships are more important than any other and that they come first. I don’t abide by that, I have much better friends and some family I just won’t be around. I have friends that would do anything to help me if needed, I cannot say that for most of my family.

I tell people that being around my family is like watching Jerry Springer. It’s dysfunctional and most times just plain embarrassing. At my dads funeral in May we had to have two services, one for his sister that tried stealing everything he had ( she got power of attorney after he had dementia) and one for the rest of the family.

My dad and mom both let my siblings and I live without, even to the point of having no electricity when I was a kid and always being hungry. My mom had a degree but was too lazy to work, my dad got remarried and had his motorcycles, boats and two wives after my mom. He ignored our needs and thought the $330 a month he paid in child support covered his obligation. When older my manipulative mom tried destroying my marriage so I cut off our relationship almost completely. My dad was one of those people that made the same mistakes over and over through his life. His own sister screwed him over and dumped him off in a nursing home a few months before he died. I’m a Christian so despite how they treated me I am the sibling that made sure they were cared for in their final years - at least as much as possible. I never had the legal right to make decisions for either one at the ends of their lives, other family did. They are both gone so the problem is no more.

Dismissive behavior, dripping contempt, bullying, belligerence, insults. All "domestic violence". Life plan for dealing with the narcissist and sociopath: Ignore and dodge. As they fight their financial ruin or coming deaths with pathetic attempts to remain relevant and in control, the wise keep arm's length away. One can afford to be gracious but for heaven's sake, no way I'd bring a new GF or wife anywhere NEAR some family members.

At the funeral of a long-time favorite uncle, my 2nd cousin remarked negatively about what his dad was really made of. For some reason people reserve their worse behavior for those closest to them.

Those who expect perfection in others usually lack it in themselves.

In some ways I wish I could not care. It's frustrating because it really shouldn't be this big of a deal. We're all grown ass adults and should be able to solve this. But here I am doing things to protect my wife and kids that I really wish I didn't have to do.

For example, my Dad is always saying how he'd love to have our kids visit. My sister, my mom's favorite child without a doubt, has her kids visit all the time. In the winter she'll fly her family down to Naples to stay with them, etc. Her kids will go with Nana and Papa in summer up to the lake.

My kids would love to go with them. What worries me is that without a doubt my mom will call my sister when the week is over and talk some form of shit about my kids or how I'm not raising them right etc.

The CRAZY thing is I know she loves them and doesn't think ill of them, it's like she can't help herself but complain and talk shit about people though. It hurt me so much that I desperately want to keep my wife and kids from that same feeling! When I noticed her starting to do it to my family, I pulled the eject handle.

She used to call me to bitch about one of her brothers, or my dad, or my sister...I finally just started hanging up when she'd start. I'd desperately plead with her to not do that around me. To this day I can't stand gossip! I've fired numerous employees for office gossiping. It's the worst!. I have absolutely no tolerance for it. When someone starts off a sentence with, "I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but...." Like wtf is wrong with you?!?!?!?!? If you're not supposed to be telling anyone, don't tell me you jackass! I'll tell people to stop and I don't want to know. I've quietly ended friendships with people over these kinds of things. I just can't wrap my head around that behavior.

So, I don't let my kids go with them. My dad is one of the greatest guys I have ever met. I think the world of him, and part of what makes this so sad is he's being punished in this. I know he'd love to teach my kids how to drive the boats, how to read the lake, play golf, etc. But if I let them go, I fear the pain they'll know someday when they find out their Nana has been shit talking them to their Aunt and their Aunt then looks at them differently...ugh!

My sister is a good person, but she indulges my mom in this gossip shit. I really do think it affects the way she views my family, but we are fine. If my mom weren't involved, I think we'd be much closer, but we have no beef, just not super close like we were before I got married.

It's all so dumb and it's sad to think about having to stay away over such a dumb thing.

In a round about way, yes. A cousin that I was close to growing up turned into a complete piece of shit junkie as an adult. The entire family has disowned him over the last 30 years after he wasted everyone’s time, effort and money to help him. Neither he nor anyone else in the family will know peace until he’s dead.

My clan was composed of "in laws, outlaws, and un-laws"; a Byzantine conglomeration of ill defined multi generational relationships that had little to do with reality. In my middle aged frenzy to pull together meaning where it had been denied, ignored or buried, I discovered a number of closet skeletons that were most likely the irretrievable origin of the various sporadic feuds. One of them started in the 60s between my dad & his brother, which lasted over 30 years where they never spoke to each other. Death settled their issue I guess. Seems like it started over a dog in the house.

Far more entertaining than the movie melodramas, and all without breaks for commercial advertising.

My father was one of those phony friendly persons, very two faced. He fooled a lot of persons, which is probably why he was a successful attorney. I always had high morals, he did not. He tried to molest me a few times, I would not let that creep even touch me. So, he hated me because my values were good and he was a pervert. I believe my mother thought I was more of a man than he was, which infuriated him. Being a drinker made things worse, as they do not mature.

So starting when I was 16 yo, my father started arranging to have me killed. The first major event was when he got someone's son from the town next door to go on a month's high school trip to Mexico. The kid talked me into going rock climbing in an exceedingly dangerous location. We went, and things got weird. I put some distance between the kid and me, and soon watched the other kid fall to his death. For 6 years I thought it was just a tragic accident, but the father thing got weirder and weirder. Then one day it hit me, numerous strange things that had happened to me were no accident, he had been trying to kill me since I was 16.

So I stayed away, but he kept tracking me down. With help of a LEO or someone in the court system, found me once via DMV records. I lived 80 miles from him, but a local photo print shop handed me a packet of developed images, but it was his prints, not mine. With the DMV info, he had been to my house and taken photos of my car, truck and house. I am sure the images were for the killers. He tried between 20 and 25 times to have me killed, so I was not able to buy a house as I would be an easy target.

Fourtunatley he died a few years ago, and my stress level dropped greatly.

quote:

Originally posted by c1steve:
My father was one of those phony friendly persons, very two faced. He fooled a lot of persons, which is probably why he was a successful attorney. I always had high morals, he did not. He tried to molest me a few times, I would not let that creep even touch me. So, he hated me because my values were good and he was a pervert. I believe my mother thought I was more of a man than he was, which infuriated him. Being a drinker made things worse, as they do not mature.

So starting when I was 16 yo, my father started arranging to have me killed. The first major event was when he got someone's son from the town next door to go on a month's high school trip to Mexico. The kid talked me into going rock climbing in an exceedingly dangerous location. We went, and things got weird. I put some distance between the kid and me, and soon watched the other kid fall to his death. For 6 years I thought it was just a tragic accident, but the father thing got weirder and weirder. Then one day it hit me, numerous strange things that had happened to me were no accident, he had been trying to kill me since I was 16.

So I stayed away, but he kept tracking me down. With help of a LEO or someone in the court system, found me once via DMV records. I lived 80 miles from him, but a local photo print shop handed me a packet of developed images, but it was his prints, not mine. With the DMV info, he had been to my house and taken photos of my car, truck and house. I am sure the images were for the killers. He tried between 20 and 25 times to have me killed, so I was not able to buy a house as I would be an easy target.

Fourtunatley he died a few years ago, and my stress level dropped greatly.

This ain’t no competition but you have me beat and my family doesn’t look as bad as I thought. Sorry to hear that.

There is a silver lining to every cloud. The situation was beneficial in many ways, as originally I was naive. The experience helped me understand both good and evil better.

I had hid from my father for many years, but once a boating magazine did a center spread article about a 36' sailboat I was building by hand, and my business location was then well known. Soon a weird guy started coming by, saying he wanted to build a similar boat. After the second visit I realized he was phony, was a criminal, and most likely was offered money to kill me. He always came by just after the employees left. This guy and his associates tried six times total, and then gave up as they realized I knew.

Fortunately I was no longer naive, and they were not successful The learning experiences due to my situation has helped me numerous times over the years.

Yes, but the story is so long and complicated I would need to right a novel. The wife hasn't talked to her dad in 10 years.

The only way he knows how to communicate is thru a hallmark card, I kid you not. all he has ever done is sign them.

I guess when you let your new wife control everything around you, you turn into a jelly fish. pretty sad.

quote:

Originally posted by mrvmax:
We are programmed to believe that family relationships are more important than any other and that they come first. I don’t abide by that, I have much better friends and some family I just won’t be around.

Agreed.

We resolved long ago to be the boring side of the family, and the now-grown kids and their families have inherited that concept.

Epiphany struck today. I may even copyright it. Money is the root of all evil.

Much of the manipulation, control, sneakiness, lies, bombast, insults, belligerence, bullying, etc, revolving between two vain and proud members of our family can be linked to their avarice and want of control of other people's money.

quote:

Originally posted by Woodman:
Epiphany struck today. I may even copyright it. Money is the root of all evil.

Much of the manipulation, control, sneakiness, lies, bombast, insults, belligerence, bullying, etc, revolving between two vain and proud members of our family can be linked to their avarice and want of control of other people's money.

It's like blaming the guns for the acts of evildoers. So no, it's the people, not the money. You said it yourself in the second paragraph.

Perhaps it's more accurate to say "Love of Money is the Root of All Evil."

Well, I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family in India. Though, our family was well -off, life was hard, living a growing up with an extremely passive father, who was a total coward, and an aggressive mother who was a nasty person, a narciccist(sp?) to boot. I was horribly physically abused, and the dysfunction was so bad, that my mom arranged for her brother( a career criminal, BTW), to kill me and my Dad. So, when I was 14, I ended up shooting my criminal Uncle.
So, when I was 18, I took my inheritance money and moved to the USA to attend college, and to be rid of both my Mom and Dad. I am in my early 40s now, and I havent spoken to my family since I boarded the Indian Airlines jet to begin my journey to the US. Though I am all alone here in the US, since I am single, I am very happy to be rid of my parents, and am happier for it. Seriously, I dont know if they are still alive, most probably, they are, but, I just dont care.
ESD- I hope you find peace, and you can resolve your family situation in a way that works for you. God Bless, my brother.

It was tough reading that, my family issues really screwed me up. I definitely feel cursed, but I keep trying, all I’ve ever wanted is to be content. I will say a prayer for you, i really hope your 4th is enjoyable, for your kids and you. Stay positive

I feel your pain 'Dunbar.

I don't know what to do about it, but it sucks.

There are some sad stories here. But I think folks are a little better off for sharing them and offering thoughts for the OP.

My approach to miserable in-laws was to stop seeing them, while working out with my wife how she could keep her family connections alive but limit them so she wouldn't take too much guff.

If you want to see people do sneaky and self-demeaning stuff, watch what happens when there is a death with an inheritance involved.

quote:

Originally posted by Woodman:
Epiphany struck today. I may even copyright it. Money is the root of all evil.

Much of the manipulation, control, sneakiness, lies, bombast, insults, belligerence, bullying, etc, revolving between two vain and proud members of our family can be linked to their avarice and want of control of other people's money.

let me correct it for you, The LOVE of money is the root of all evil.

I distanced myself from my family when I was in my late 20s. Best thing I ever did.