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You loved the Irish jokes. Now here’s the Jewish jokes! Login/Join 
A Grateful American
Picture of sigmonkey
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Just remember, for you, they are all Hawaiian Punch lines...




"the meaning of life, is to give life meaning" Ani Yehudi אני יהודי Le'olam lo shuv לעולם לא שוב!
 
Posts: 43810 | Location: ...... I am thrice divorced, and I live in a van DOWN BY THE RIVER!!! (in Arkansas) | Registered: December 20, 2008Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Rabbi sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Rabbi. "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Rabbi's shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Rabbi's other shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on, this fighting between our nations, this hatred, and this animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
 
Posts: 1359 | Registered: October 19, 2008Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Little ray
of sunshine
Picture of jhe888
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quote:
Originally posted by V-Tail:
quote:
Originally posted by kz1000:
Jewish Dilemma: Free ham.
Reminds me of the story about the Rabbi and the Priest who were having a frank discussion.

The Priest asked, "Tell me the truth, Rabbi. Have you ever tasted ham?"

The Rabbi looked around to see if anyone else was listening, and said, "I am going to hold you to the secrecy of the confessional. Yes, I tried it once. Now my turn for a question. Have you ever been intimate with a woman?"

The Priest hesitated, then replied, "I am going to rely on your discretion, but yes. Once."

The Rabbi looked at the Priest and said, "Better than ham, isn't it?"


Now that I am a little older, I don't know . . . ham is pretty damn good.




The fish is mute, expressionless. The fish doesn't think because the fish knows everything.
 
Posts: 53118 | Location: Texas | Registered: February 10, 2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
More persistent
than capable
posted Hide Post
Guy goes to the doctor and is told he has 6 months to live.

Doc Where should I go, What should I do?

Go to New Jersey, Marry a Jewish woman

It will be the longest 6 months of your life


Lick the lollipop of mediocrity once and you suck forever.
 
Posts: 1083 | Location: North | Registered: August 27, 2012Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Let's be careful
out there
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priest and a Rabbi were going to an ecumenical meeting. Priest was driving. Suddenly, a big truck pulls out right in front of them. The priest stopped the car with the hood almost under the truck. Needless to say, they were both pretty shook up. To the astonishment of the priest, he sees the Rabbi making the Sign of the Cross on his chest. The priest says, ah-ha, I caught you!!.
The Rabbi says, so, nu, what caught? I'm just checking; spectacles, testicles, wallet and phone.
 
Posts: 7333 | Location: NW OHIO | Registered: May 29, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Let's be careful
out there
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What's a Jewish wife's favorite position?



wait for it--



facing Bloomingdale's
 
Posts: 7333 | Location: NW OHIO | Registered: May 29, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of TigerDore
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quote:
Originally posted by V-Tail:
quote:
Originally posted by TigerDore:

I believe you, V-tail.
I certainly did not mean to imply that you were disagreeing with me. My apology if I gave that impression.

Back to my original comment -- I found the remark disagreeable three months ago, but I did not say anything at the time, figuring that everybody is entitled to one indiscretion. One. Not two.

Thanks, V-Tail. And that joke has no place here.



.
 
Posts: 8603 | Registered: September 26, 2013Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Legalize the Constitution
Picture of TMats
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Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Fortification

Fortification who?

Fortification, we go to the Catskills


_______________________________________________________
despite them
 
Posts: 13166 | Location: Wyoming | Registered: January 10, 2008Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Member
Picture of Jimbo Jones
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Along those lines,

What does a Jewish girl say during sex?

"Oy, Jake, the ceiling needs painting."


-------------------

How can you tell when a Jewish girl has an orgasm?

She drops her nail file.



quote:
Originally posted by pbslinger:
How do you cure a Jewish nymphomanic? Marry her.


---------------------------------------
It's like my brain's a tree and you're those little cookie elves.
 
Posts: 3625 | Location: Cary, NC | Registered: February 26, 2013Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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We all know their favorite sex positions, don't we?

Doggie:

He sits up and begs while she rolls over and plays dead.

True story:
A Jewish friend of my family told us about watching the play "Fiddler On The Roof", Tevya was singing a lament about having three daughters to marry off, my friend laughed because he had five!


--------------------------
Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
-- H L Mencken

I always prefer reality when I can figure out what it is.
-- JALLEN 10/18/18
 
Posts: 9127 | Location: Illinois farm country | Registered: November 15, 2008Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Lost
Picture of kkina
posted Hide Post
quote:
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

I believe you may have jib-jabbed yourself.



ACCU-STRUT FOR MINI-14
"First, Eyes."
 
Posts: 16268 | Location: SF Bay Area | Registered: December 11, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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