So the ex likes the girls, your boys like the girls, and you all used to be god parents to the girls, right? What's the real concern, then, about the girls? It's not like fostering some random unknown hood rats. And since the girl's parents are out of the picture...

Is it just the change? What real "child welfare" (for your boys) concerns are there?

What values that you where able to teach your boys will decide how this works out. It might be a good experience of helping out the less fortunate. There are many things that they will see and do that you can not shelter them from. Hopefully they will come to you for advice on what they need to become a man.

Like another thread why is the answer always SUE?! Get a lawyer!? You say your getting along well with the X. Help her, help your kids. Let her help these other kids. Telling her she can't might blow up, lawyer or no lawyer.

quote:

Originally posted by frayedends:

quote:

Originally posted by 46and2:
Aren't your kids already old enough to choose which patent they want to live with?

I'm not sure how that works in your locale.

Good luck either way.

Ex says they want the girls to come. I don't know what to do.

Take the boys aside and ask them what their feelings really are about this.

quote:

Originally posted by Joe123:
Like another thread why is the answer always SUE?! Get a lawyer!? You say your getting along well with the X. Help her, help your kids. Let her help these other kids. Telling her she can't might blow up, lawyer or no lawyer.

It would be nice to not have to involve a lawyer. Having one on retainer can't possibly be of any harm though.

When people get burned so terribly by the person they've put so much trust into, they are naturally skeptical of a kind action from such a person. Lawyering up is a pretty regular and normal reaction.

quote:

Originally posted by Joe123:

Like another thread why is the answer always SUE?! Get a lawyer!? You say your getting along well with the X. Help her, help your kids. Let her help these other kids. Telling her she can't might blow up, lawyer or no lawyer.

It is a question of abiding by a legal contract- the main point of which is the best interests of the couple's own children- not that of outside parties, whoever they are.

If the marriage settlement agreement calls for certain things to happen, that is what must happen. Anything else is a breach of that contract.

The ex has already engaged in dubious decisions in getting involved with a questionable man- which might in itself be enough for the state to decide against fostering.

Two new kids coming into the household may not be the best thing for the other kids. It does not matter right now what the kids think- it matters what the state thinks.

And BTW- in my state, there is a very lengthy screening process. I know because I worked for that agency for some time. You can't "just" take in kids- it takes time.

Wow. This is sad, so cynical of fostering even when you are the parrain of these kids that you don't even give it a chance.

quote:

Originally posted by arfmel:

quote:

Originally posted by frayedends:

quote:

Originally posted by 46and2:
Aren't your kids already old enough to choose which patent they want to live with?

I'm not sure how that works in your locale.

Good luck either way.

Ex says they want the girls to come. I don't know what to do.

Take the boys aside and ask them what their feelings really are about this.

If not for the suddenness of this. I'd agree with you guys. If it was a family decision made in the best interest of the boys and they are on board and aren't going to suffer, then it may be a good thing to help the girls. I don't fully understand what godparents are, but isn't this exactly what they are supposed to do?

Is it possible to slow things down and find out if it's financially viable to do this? Does the ex-wife have two extra bedrooms? If the answer to both is yes, and the boys are on board and won't suffer from it, I'd discuss it with her.

If the answer is there is no way she can afford or house the girls, then lawyer on up.

Send me a private message, I'm admitted to the bar in Mass., I'm in Boston however. We can talk see if I can help.

Young boys, dysfunctional girls and trailer park families- What could possibly go wrong?

Sure it could work out for the good but you'd be gambling with your kids if you wait to find out.

Way too much drama and risk.

quote:

Originally posted by braillediver:
Young boys, dysfunctional girls and trailer park families- What could possibly go wrong?

Having spent way too much time in such environments as a result of a misspent youth, that was the very first thought I had.

Not a good idea. It is enough trouble to take care of two much less four.

quote:

find out if it's financially viable to do this?

Thats the thing - these girls aren't the OPs problem (financially or otherwise), although I'm certain the Ex-wife will make them his problem (and his actual kids problems).

Money, time, drama.

quote:

Thats the thing - these girls aren't the OPs problem (financially or otherwise)

If the OP agrees with your opinion on this... I find myself wondering what he thought he was agreeing to when they became Godparents.

Agreed, that's an unknown - "But that was a long time ago before their family fell apart".

But legally he has zero obligation to them - and since he's concerned about the legal implications of his ex-wife bringing foster kids into the house, I would suggest he continue using legal definitions with these potential foster kids as well.

If not, he best turn over all his bank accounts to his ex and chain himself to his desk at work, never to leave again, so the fruits of his labors can benefit everyone else but him.

Then again, I recommended he getting a lawyer before / during the divorce, which likely would have helped prevent needing to think about getting one after the divorce.

But that is in the past but should serve as a reminder to all those that come after us - step 1 of a divorce, get a fucking lawyer.

Sell guns, cars, a kidney, but GET your OWN lawyer.

I wonder if this is an official foster care setup?
The requirements to be a foster parent include background checks and training. My assumption is that the custody arrangement would suggest you would be involved

https://www.mass.gov/foster-care

Okay guys here's a bit of an update. I'll try to answer most of the posts here with the detail below, rather than quoting each response.

First thing is I was able to speak to a lawyer today. I called a good friend and he knows a family law attorney very well and we had a really long chat. A lot of the things you guys brought up were talked about. But in the end he said there was likely not much I could do. I was able to speak to him before and after talking to the ex and also taking the kids out for lunch for a talk without her. Most of our talk was after talking to the kids (he suggested that I insist on taking the kids alone, which I did to no argument from the ex).

I am also going to speak to the foster case worker or whatever she's called tomorrow. The girls are not moving in tomorrow, which was how my ex originally put it. I will be able to confirm a few things tomorrow.

A few quick details: The girls have been in something I think my ex called "hot" foster care where they are moved frequently. They have not been able to place them for long term. They needed quick care and it was my son that found this out and suggested taking them in. The girls are friends with my kids and they talk fairly frequently.

Okay, my ex has a 3600 sq ft house with tons of extra space. I mean tons. There is a full finished basement where my boys spend most of their time. Plus they each have a bedroom and there is another bedroom for the girls to share. They live in an upper middle class neighborhood in a town that is also mostly known as middle to upper middle class.

My ex wife owns 2 daycare centers. My older son works at one part time. Childcare services had a CORI done immediately and since my ex has all her certifications etc for teaching they don't see any issues. She is more qualified to watch the kids than anyone. My son also knows all the ins and outs of being around children and how he has to behave. My younger son knows as well. While he doesn't work at the daycare until next year, he has plenty of exposure to it.

The mother in this case is not allowed to talk to the kids unless DCF (Dept of child care something...) is on the phone. She can not visit the kids alone. So my concern of the mom putting shit in the kids head is alleviated a bit. I will confirm all this tomorrow when I call them.

The abuse charges the kids have made are not sexual. Not that any abuse charges are good but at least there's never been any of that shit. The only claims made was that he hits the kids as punishment.

My kids both want to help the girls. I explained all the risks and all the issues. I explained that this could be very very long term and they are essentially getting new family members.

They both said that they are happy with this. They are both out a lot. My older son has a car and goes to friends and whatever all the time. The younger is super busy all the time. I really steered them toward saying they didn't want this. But I could not.

Financially I have nothing to do with this. I'm divorced, all final for years now. She will get money from the state to take care of the kids and it will actually probably help her a great deal since expenses won't go up by much. Meaning she already pays all the house bills. Some things will cost more.

My boys know that they can stay with me whenever they want and they also know that if they needed to that I'd fight to keep them permanently. I won't push for that now. They have stable lives in a different town than me.

I also point out, in reference to a few posts, that I do feel a bit on the side of taking the girls after a lot of thought. These poor kids are my god children. They have been through a lot. They have been bouncing around and they really need a stable home.

Now pointing back to my ex and the loser issue... That was over a year ago that he left. She learned a lot from that. She was all messed up from the divorce. We've had long conversations about it. Hopefully that kind of crap won't happen again. She'll be too busy with raising these kids.

I have a lot of mixed feelings. I need to protect my kids. We will see what the DCF lady says tomorrow. I will be clear about my concerns.

Again thanks for all the money offers guys. That is so incredibly generous! After talking to the lawyer today, if I do need him we discussed money a bit and he said that he would be able to work with me. He is also a super long time friend of my best friend. We have a ton of things in common (he shoots guns!).

I will keep you updated. Thanks again. You guys are always the best.

quote:

Originally posted by RHINOWSO:


Then again, I recommended he getting a lawyer before / during the divorce, which likely would have helped prevent needing to think about getting one after the divorce.

But that is in the past but should serve as a reminder to all those that come after us - step 1 of a divorce, get a fucking lawyer.

Sell guns, cars, a kidney, but GET your OWN lawyer.

We had a lawyer that acted as a mediator. I came out pretty well. I'm not sure even having my own lawyer would have changed this situation. Perhaps it may have. But I am on a very quick path to being more financially secure. If I had a lawyer it would be years from now before that happened. I wouldn't likely even be able to afford my tiny apartment. But honestly at the time of divorce I had nothing to sell, my 401k loans were maxed out, my credit was maxed out. It wasn't an ideal situation. Currently I have not credit and I live paycheck to paycheck so that is why the lawyer option is difficult. Luckily today was free from a friend. If I need to sign him up he will find a way to help (though he has to deal with his office if it becomes official).

Okay, one more note because a few people mentioned godparents.

So my understanding of my obligation there is that if both parents died we would take responsibility for their kids. Now that we are divorced I don't know how that would have worked. As also mentioned the parents didn't die. They divorced and a shit show ensued for the poor kids. So yeah, as a godparent I feel a sense of responsibility to these kids. But not at the expense of my own kids.

With everything you outlined in your long post above...it sounds like it will be fine and is probably a really good thing for these girls.

Your ex is a childcare pro with a large home, is financially stable, they are your god-kids, and your sons are on board with it.

I don't have a crystal ball so all I can say is good luck. Your heart is in the right place.