I have no idea what I'm going to be able to do about this. It's kind of a long story so I'll try to shorten it.

I am divorced, have 2 boys age 16 and 14. They live with Mom and I have them every other weekend (when they decide to come mostly, since they are getting older).

We had been friends with a family for a while that has 5 kids. 3 girls and 2 boys. The oldest girls are about 11 and 13 now if I remember correctly. We are their God parents. But that was a long time ago before their family fell apart.

A quick rundown of what they went through. Mom and Dad divorced. Mom claimed abuse of the husband. Seems unlikely and she probably lied. She seems very unstable. Husband ends up with all 5 kids. Back and forth court and fighting with all kinds of crazy claims. Now the girls claim the dad hits them and they apparently all got put into foster care. While all this stuff was happening Mom married a Muslim, moved out of state, converted and got pregnant without telling new husband. Total nutcase...

So when the 5 kids were put in foster care my kids told me. They expressed concern that their mom would want to adopt them. She has talked about adoption a lot and doesn't like that her boys are older and not paying attention to her much these days. That was maybe 4 months ago.

So I get home today and while I'm asleep my ex texts and asks if I can paint my son's room tomorrow as he wants it done and she is fostering the 2 older girls starting on Monday! WTF

I told her I would come over in the morning and we need to discuss this. I told her I'd paint as I had agreed to paint his room well before this happened. But I have older boys with a crazy mom. What if the mom puts stuff in the girls head and they accuse my kids of abuse? They could ruin my kids' lives.

I see nothing in the divorce agreement except that the parents shall consult on significant issues of child welfare (I'd say this counts, no?) Also that we both will promote the welfare of the children.

I don't know how to react or what I can do, especially since this happened so fast. I know I'll get a lot of "lawyer up". That just is not happening. I could not provide a retainer or any money whatsoever. I'm so bummed out because I was getting along with the ex pretty good lately, now this.

quote:

Originally posted by frayedends:
. . .I know I'll get a lot of "lawyer up". That just is not happening. I could not provide a retainer or any money whatsoever. . .

Your kids are going to get short shrift if you do not immediately lawyer up and pursue this with vigor.

You say you can't afford it?

Can you afford for your kids to have fucked up lives?

You can, and you will, find the money to pay a shark if you really love the kids. If they're less important to you than money, then why are you even posting about this?

Get a good lawyer.

Shut this fostering bullshit off pronto.

Ensure controls are in place that put the kids in your house full time if she tries this nonsense again.

If she really, truly, legitimately wants/needs foster kids to make her feel complete, then she can do it in five more years when your kids are out of the house and her bullshit and problems won't wash over into your life anymore. Until then she can focus on being the best mother possible for her own (your own) kids.

Thanks,

Sap

While I agree with SapperSteel that a lawyer is absolutely necessary in this situation, he probably sounds a bit harsh, but I also FULLY understand not being financially able to afford to hire an attorney. I coudn't right now and I would move heaven and earth for my children and wife. I just don't have that kind of money and even if I had enough guns to sell to make that happen it doesn't sound like you have that kind of time. I would suggest however utilizing the "Free consultation" of several of your local family law attorneys, if at all possible, and see what suggestions they have for you. Depending on the size of the area you live in the family law judge may be the same judge that presides over the foster care/adoption cases too. Keep that in mind.

I would say that the boys are old enough for a heart to heart talk about the dangers of being alone with the foster girls (both real and perceived) and how much even just an allegation can ruin their future. As an example of how extreme foster kids can behave, my next door neighbors were foster parents. They had a biological son my age and he and I would sometimes help with the kids. One time I was helping bath and dress the toddlers and a 12-13 year old girl came in the bathroom while I was drying the last little kid, undressed and offered 15 or 16 year old me sexual favors for a snickers bar. That screwed up my mind for a bit. Of course, I reported it (I had been vetted as a volunteer helper for my neighbors family by DCF) and the case manager explained that to the girl involved this was normal behavior because she was raised to think so. Her father had been abusing her since she was 4 or 5 after her mom died and he was left as a single father. ^^^THAT is an extreme situation and I sincerely pray the foster kids you are talking about are no way near that bad. But take ALL measures to talk to your kids and help protect them as best you can.

I don't have any other advice. But if you find you need an attorney to protect your kids, I'm in for $100. I can paypal it anytime. I'm sure there are others that might help to if it came down to it. I'm not wealthy by an stretch of the imagination or definition but I'm willing to offer cash becasue I KNOW how fucked up some DCF workers are and you very well may need it. Even if it's just for a half hour or hour of attorney time. Email me, dude. SERIOUSLY!

First and foremost I would talk to your kids and evaluate the situation to decide as best you can what the next course of action will be. I'm not a lawyer but if you want to talk about my experiences at your kids age with the foster system I am more than willing to email or provide my phone number to help you out in addition to my offer to help financially.

Is your situation conducive to being the custodial parent? Is that something you are prepared for mentally as well? I would think the boys are old enough a judge would allow them to pick.

Frayed, I have a hundred saved up for some gun stuff. If you email me. I will send it to you to help with the lawyer.

Guys, thanks so much for the offer of helping financially. I'd never take money from people. I could come up with a little on credit but I'm not a fan of carrying debt with no way to pay it. But if it's a matter of a few hundred to 1000 I'd be okay.

I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. I don't have any details yet. I got the text last night at 1 AM (I was asleep as I just got home from Germany and my time is all messed up).

Anyhow I told her we needed to talk and I wasn't happy. My divorce agreement states she needs to discuss any issues related to the welfare of the children. She did not. If need be I will contact the appropriate foster agency Monday morning and let them know that I do not want the girls fostered at my children's home and that I will fight it in court if need be. I don't think the foster agency will want to deal with placing the kids in a battle.

Frayed, don't be so proud as to not accept help from your friends, imaginary though we may be. I probably won't end up being able to follow this thread, but if it comes to needing help, ping me (email in profile), and I am in for $50 - GIFT, not loan. My schedule is crazy through the end of the year, but I will get back to you.

Think of the children. That's a little tongue-in-cheek, but it's relevant in this case.

Frayed - I’m also in the camp of you having immediate legal advice, and keeping your kids as safe as possible.

I’m in for $100 towards your legal fund - paypal or otherwise.

Your kids are way more important than pride - and the folks on this forum are the best in the world - take their advice.

Thanks guys. I'll update when I know more. I will keep your offers in mind should it come to that point. Yes this is the best forum in the world.

Aren't your kids already old enough to choose which patent they want to live with?

I'm not sure how that works in your locale.

Good luck either way.

quote:

Originally posted by 46and2:
Aren't your kids already old enough to choose which patent they want to live with?

I'm not sure how that works in your locale.

Good luck either way.

I don't know. But I live in a tiny apartment. There is a bedroom for them but it's not comfortable for them here for extended time. Ex says they want the girls to come. I don't know what to do.

We talked so well and now she gets all mad and saying I was a bad father and all sorts of shit that has nothing to do with the situation now.

I’ll tell ya the bright side —> Only 4 more years of child support, then you can forget about your ex.

I assume the loner / druggie dude moved out?

L
A
W
Y
E
R

It’s a day late and a dollar short, but better late than never.

quote:

Originally posted by RHINOWSO:
I’ll tell ya the bright side —> Only 4 more years of child support, then you can forget about your ex.

I assume the loner / druggie dude moved out?

L
A
W
Y
E
R

It’s a day late and a dollar short, but better late than never.

Yeah not quite. 23 if they go to college. My youngest is 14. So like 9 more years.

Oh yeah, the loner druggie moved out a long time ago. That's why we were getting along good. He fucked her over just like expected.

I’m afraid it might not matter if the boys want the girls to come, and shame on your ex if she’s manipulated the boys emotionally in regards to this.
OTOH, If she has things well in hand with your boys, that’s something. Maybe temp fostering would work, and it sounds like you’re godparents to these kids- the definition of a godparent’s job is the promise to step in and raise the godchild in a Christian environment if something happens to the parents (iirc, correct me if I’m wrong)..
As other posters have suggested, I’d ask where the boys want to live. If you are truly that concerned about them, move them in with you, cramped house or not. Best of luck.

Generally speaking if the kids wanted to come live with me and the court agreed do I get to stop child support? Anyone know?

If frayedends needs financial help somebody please email me so I can contribute as I mentioned in my previous reply. I don't always have time or feel well enough after work to check in. Thanks

Frayed as InterpidTraveler said my offer is a GIFT not a loan. Unless a loan is the only way you'll accept it. If that's the case, no interest and pay back the next time you hit the powerball.

quote:

Originally posted by frayedends:
Generally speaking if the kids wanted to come live with me and the court agreed do I get to stop child support? Anyone know?

I'm 99% sure that's how it works. In fact, depending on her income, you might be eligible for support from her.

quote:

Originally posted by frayedends:
Generally speaking if the kids wanted to come live with me and the court agreed do I get to stop child support? Anyone know?

In MA, and a support-payer. The answer is multilayered.

She is in breach of the agreement if she goes through with something without consulting you on the welfare of the kids issue. She could quite possibly be on the hook for your legal fees on this.

And if you become the custodial parent, YOU are certainly eligible get support from her. Subject, of course, to the insane guidelines we all follow. This would allow you to significantly improve your living arrangements to better house your kids, which is part of what the support is supposed to do.

quote:

Originally posted by frayedends:
Yeah not quite. 23 if they go to college. My youngest is 14. So like 9 more years.

Wow, you are on the hook until 23 for child support if they go to college? Do you pay it to the ex-wife or the adult kids?

That's fucked up on so many levels.

quote:

Oh yeah, the loner druggie moved out a long time ago. That's why we were getting along good. He fucked her over just like expected.

At least he's gone. But now it's foster kids.

Don't get roped into being Daddy for them / paying $$$.

I just hate seeing guys get fucked over by their ex's, so it pains me to watch this, because you are getting screwed.

quote:

Originally posted by IntrepidTraveler:
Frayed, don't be so proud as to not accept help from your friends ...

I also have trouble accepting finances but I've been taught to never deny someone the opportunity to help. It's a blessing to the giver as much as the recipient. I've been helped here so I'm in for $50. Email me.