|Semper Fi - 1775|
After nearly 20 years of marriage I find myself newly divorced; it was final July 1st.
I have two 16 year old boys (17 in February) and I am trying to figure out the best way to tell them that I am starting to date.
The ex and I each have them Friday to Friday and we get along fine...for now. The boys have handled everything as best they could and seem to be adjusting very well.
I have no intention of saying anything until after Christmas, no reason to give them an unnecessary distraction during their first holiday with split parents. But sometime after the new year I'd like to tell them so I do not have to feel like I am lying to them when I go out.
Their meeting someone is a completely different topic, and I'll figure that out when the time comes.
Any thoughts you guys? Part of me thinks to keep it casual and a Saturday night over pizza just say something like, "Hey, thought I would let you guys know I'm starting to date again....pass the milk".This message has been edited. Last edited by: Ronin1069,
All it takes...is all you got.
For those who have fought for it, Freedom has a flavor the protected will never know
|paradox in a box|
My boys are 16 and 18 and I told them almost 2 years ago. It wasn’t a big deal. At 16 just say you met someone and like her. Tell them you will see where it goes and you will keep them updated. You are lucky you have equal custody. I did the every other weekend thing and I never see my kids at this age. They’ve only met my girlfriend about 5 times even now that I live with her.
Anyhow at 16 it won’t phase them. Just go slow on the meeting with her until you know it’s serious. Then do a quick short meeting with no pressure and go from there.
ETA: if I misunderstood and you are dating different women and not serious yet I wouldn’t say anything other than you are going out for the evening. If it’s just dating there is no need to tell them. It will surely get back to mom and create pressure. Mom will want details. Kids will be questioned etc. no need for that until it’s more serious.
These go to eleven.
My approach was to go about my life without saying anything, or introducing anyone, until I was sure it was serious. My daughter met one lady while I was dating. That lady is now my daughter's stepmother. But not in an evil Disney way. More like a happy, hallmark special way.
|Do No Harm,|
Do Know Harm
I wouldn't even worry about telling them.
I dated my current wife for 2 years before the kids met her. Call me slow...
I'm a naturally private person though. Some might even call me antisocial...
Knowing what one is talking about is widely admired but not strictly required here.
Although sometimes distracting, there is often a certain entertainment value to this easy standard.
"All I need is a WAR ON DRUGS reference and I got myself a police thread BINGO." -jljones
A lot rides on how mature they are? Take things slow & Of course solicit their opinions reminding them how much you value them. It’s hard on most kids seeing their parents with someone else. A lot harder on pre teens. You may even decide not to tell them until you found someone you will see consistently..
امّا شما مشخص خواهد شد كه با همه شما را ملاقات کنند
Why do you feel the need to tell your boys that you are starting to date?
In my experience, this can be a source of friction with the ex. Why rock the boat since you are getting along (for now)?
I'd wait until you find someone that you feel is appropriate to introduce to your boys and take it from there (as our prescient Sigforum contributors have already suggested).
|Casuistic Thinker and Daoist|
I wouldn't even think about telling them unless it becomes pretty serious...or they ask.
Remember that, statistically, relationships that begin within one year of the ending of a long term relationship have a failure rate of 80%. So why confuse them until you "know" it is going to get pretty serious (moving in together serious).
At the age of 16, them might ask. If they do, you can give the honest answer of, "I'm sometimes seeing different people."
I'm not clear on the "lying to them" part. Are you saying, you're going out on dates during your custodial time?
No, Daoism isn't a religion
|Yeah, that M14 video guy...|
If its just casual dating and you're just having fun, do it when they're gone and don't say a thing about it. When they are with you, focus on them only.
My question is why are you dating after only five months of being divorced? The general recommendation is that you should take a month for every year you were married off before you date (in your case, 20 months).
Unless you fell out of love with each other for many years and literally lived as roommates, you're going to need time to process the divorce and you'll need time to rediscover who you are and what you like. Reclaim your freedom without a woman in your life.
What were the conditions of the divorce? Did you end it or did she? Did you both fall out of love or did one of you just wait until the kids were older and then pull the ripcord late because you couldn't stand each other? Was one of you surprised or were both of you glad it was over?
My ex tried to bury me 6 years into our marriage and it was a very nasty divorce. We split on January 6, 2002 and made it official on December 3rd, 2002. We fought tooth and nail over our child (six at the time) and we still hate each other's guts. We never talk on the phone and my daughter can never have both of us in her home at the same time for any reason.
I only dated one woman starting in 2005 and we married in 2006. My ex did all she could to disrupt my second marriage and I regret getting remarried; it wasn't fair to my current wife. The hell my ex put us all through was unfair to her. We all bear the scars to this day.
If your divorce was like mine, then you'll need a lot of time to get over it before you subject any woman to your issues.
Even if your divorce wasn't like mine and it was more civil, you'll still need time to get your head together before you can be in a healthy dating relationship. If you feel a strong need or desire to have a woman in your life after only six month of divorce, you're not ready for a relationship.
At your age, women are desperate. I'll assume you're in your 40's or 50's. My best friend has been going through what you went through and he told me dating after 40 is scary. All the women have baggage and they are desperate to have a man in their life. After just one date, he had one gal start moving stuff into his apartment! She was gone soon after.
And the fact that you're a good dad (as it seems), is attractive to these women in your age and some of them that had kids later in life are looking for a new dad for their kids. RUN AWAY!
So to me, the real question should be; are you ready to date again?
Owner, TonyBen, LLC, Type-01 FFL
www.tonybenm14.com (Site under construction).
Benny with the win!!
Couldn't have said it better myself. Take care of yourself first then your kids.
Don't be in a hurry to get back in the dating thing.
Benny is right about baggage but I'll say this too. Everyone has baggage, it just depends on how much you want to carry.
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not.
Your kids have seen this with friends their age. They won't be shocked. Follow Benny's advice though, it's good advice.
|Go ahead punk, make my day|
Early dating leads to new marriages which also lead to second and third divorces...
I dont know your age, and others have touched on the subject. This is my experience:
Dating after 50:
1- Most women in this age bracket are divorced and have multiple kids. The kids are losers and the older ones live at home. Mainly smoking pot. She may be slavishly devoted to them. And their problems.
2- On your date, you will often hear what an abusive, violent drunk her Ex was. Jailed often too. Pretty good chance if things progress, you will get the treat of meeting this charmer.
3- You will hear the statement "I dont need a man". Spoiler alert! She does!
4- As soon as she begins to ask about your finances, money or expresses an interest in the pay rate of your job, run away!
5- Her job, if she has one, is low paying, dead end and filled with drama.
6- How does she treat waiters and other service people?
7- Look at her car. Is it a wore out (her kids may help her out here) POS, filled with trash? Run away!
8- Take a look at her house. Filthy? Lots of poorly cared for pets? Junk and clothing scattered about all over? Is she hesitant to let you pick her up at home for your date? Run away.
9- Get a burner cell phone and use it only for dating.
10- Your date does not get to go to your home until the third date. If she presses you to see your home, it is an evaluation of you financially and as a handyman.
If I sound anti dating or misogynistic, I am not. Just passing on my experiences. I no longer actively date. If I meet someone, great! If not, equally great. My cat is good company.
One other thing: #metoo. Which was not around when you married. Women are free to make all kinds of accusations against men and the consequences can be harsh.
Tread lightly when dating. Its a minefield!
End of Earth: 2 Miles
Upper Peninsula: 4 Miles
|Go ahead punk, make my day|
Additionally, learn from the millions of dudes who turned their recently divorced situation into infinitely worse situations by getting some chick you are 'dating' pregnant.
"Oh, I'm on the pill"
(yeah right, if you aren't clipped, wrap it up).
Teenage boys understand attraction to the opposite sex. Be honest with them and stress the value of your relationship to them as a Dad. Take your time and enjoy yourself. Bring them into the picture further down the road.
Issues will be attitude of your ex wife, finances and how available you will be to them as time goes along. Dating is not really a big deal unless you make it one. Be prepared for the fact that they will probably be quite stand offish at first.
I was in my late 40's when I got divorced. At the time, My two boys were adults and out on their own. Their sister, ten at the time, spent every other week with me. I kept my pecker close that week she was with me. The other week, I was in stealth dating mode(its a very small town). I could have written what Yoopersigs wrote, with the exception of the throw away cell phone, lol!
Sigs P-220, P-226 9mm, & P-230SL (CCW)
Yoop gets its also. I'm probably thinking from experience.
I'm over 50 and I have stopped even talking to women. You'll get it after a while.
All have kid(s). All have baggage. All have drama.
The finance part I have been through and I won't deal with it anymore. First question one of my dates had when we were out was, "What do you do for a living?". Not direct financial but not my 1st rodeo either. Told her I was going to get a beer and left immediately. Be a dick because sometimes you have to.
Barely anyone has my cell number. I'm lucky if I take it with me on the weekends. Weekdays I need it. Don't give your number out.
Had an encounter last night when I went to see a friend's band. Women came over and asked me if I'd dance with her. Again, be a dick. Told her, "I don't dance and I'm not interested". Worked great.
Take care of you and take care of your kids. Easy peasy.
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not.
|Leave the gun. |
Take the cannoli.
Who made this rule?
There are men that hate women, and have quite a paranoid attitude towards intimacy. It makes sense to work through the divorce, but with this sort of attitude one is likely to remain single forever. All women are not maneaters. It depends on what you want in a relationship. For someone in later life, it may involve someone who can take a clear message and call the doctor if you cannot.
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