Maybe I should keep this to myself, but reading how you have faced this has redefined bravery and faith for me. I am certain I am not alone in this.

I am sorry for your suffering. I pray the Lord will help you and make your burdens lighter as you go forward. You and your family are always in my prayers.

Thank you.

IMO, I have had such a fine and easy life, nothing wrong with a little humbling late in life.

But I can still be one arrogant sob at times.

quote:

Originally posted by lbj:


I probably haven't been entirely forthcoming about how I feel physically the last 2 months.
The answer is not good.

I have zero energy, it's hard to even get out of bed, and when I do, a couple of hours later I am back in bed again.

Anything I do is mostly done in the morning because I tire so easily, and afternoons and nights are spent in bed.

For me it was life in a recliner. Was lucky a small plastic chair would fit in the stall shower. I could sit as I washed my feet, legs, and what I could reach. I would lean against the wall and wife would wash my back and sometimes my hair. I just didn’t have the energy to lather the shampoo up.

Half way thru my 6 week course of concurrent Chemo and Radiation I almost could not get out of bed one morning. Had an Oncologist appointment and treatments to go to. They always did my blood count there when I say the Nurse. The Oncology Nurse said I needed a transfusion like yesterday. They scheduled for my to receive two hole units the next day at the hospital. I chuckled when the nurse read the general donor info. Came from somebody in Idaho she said. The meat and potato eating state.

I cracked a smile and told her I was relieved the donor was not from San Francisco.


The day after the transfusion I felt like I could walk around the block.

Remember the Chemo treatments are poison to the blood and they will push it to the limits.

Well back to the new ride coming. It sure is a pretty color. I was fortunate to order two Ford 4X4 pickup trucks in my younger years. They both were what Ford called Midnight Metallic Blue.

That was back when I was single and shared rent with three other guys. Was easy to buy new vehicles then.

So when I saw the color your ride is in you know I like it.

As always Tom
Prayers sent for You and Family.

Roy

"...then the LORD God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature. "

The power of that breath, still carries to each child born, and the struggle the body takes to live is a most powerful thing to behold.

We do not die easily, we fight and struggle for a little more.
It is in the "code". In the "manufacture".

It is by design.

It is not selfish to want to live, and breath and see another day.

To the contrary. Death is not God's doing.

Do not go gentle into that good night...

Thanks all.

I am of a mind that when my time is up, my time is up and I hope not to be that person kicking and screaming out the door.
I wish to be as dignified as possible.
Can I do that? Time will tell.

Oh geez, what a terrible weekend.
It is hard to know whether I picked up the flu or had a bad reaction to the medication.
I could not keep anything down and was burning the candle at both ends.
I lost 8 lbs in 2 days due to dehydration.

I have gained 5 of those pounds back however.

It seems like I am making great strides with the daughters.
At this point, I will not live long enough to see them grow through life, however, I do think I have helped them turn on the lights internally.

My mission has slightly changed, so now I am attempting to help make them want to better themselves in their minds.
I think that is the important thing I can do for them right now.
If they really want it, they can have it if they put their minds to it as well as the financial resources will be there for them to help accomplish their goals.

The latest scan seems have jump started them again. Such a great thing.

Argh!
I remember last year posting about all the good news and my worry about how hard it may be to stay in the mindset of dying.
In part, I did lose the mindset and it has taken me 3 days to get it back.

That said, the family is becoming so tight knit, whatever happens to me I know this is worthwhile, the children are progressing... finally.
My wife is back from the East where she had been for the last three months taking care of her niece.
Having her back is a godsend emotionally as well as she helps take care of my other needs like running to the store and things.

But man, what a bad last 3 days emotionally and physically.

Still though, lots of great things happening late in my life.

What I am doing is so worthwhile, it is almost scary, if that makes any sense.

As LBJ’s younger brother, I can perhaps add some insight into who he is, or at least where he came from, but instead of doing that I’m going to write for a moment about ME, and what all this means to ME. Yes, it’s easy to make things about me. Our mom passed away 2 years ago, at the tender age of 85. It was actually a shock to me, and I’m the one who had to make certain decisions. Even though she had been ill for a few years, that illness isn’t what got her in the end, it was the old folk’s “friend”, pneumonia. It came on 2 days before she passed, so it was quite quick. Seeing what Tom is experiencing, and by default, what I’M experiencing, is different than what happened to our mom. This is sort of like a slow motion train wreck, and its years coming. Let me say emphatically that I fully believe that Tom has more than 18 months. I can’t say I believe that his quality of life will be awesome, but I choose not to believe that the end is that close. That said, I do understand the prognosis, and what can happen. As a younger brother, my perspective is that I have never faced a world without my big brother. He and I aren’t super close, but we have that certain understanding that siblings have. He is 2 years older, any of you who have older siblings will understand when I say that if anyone ever had picked a fight with me, Tom would have stood with me and fought as hard as he could for me, and then perhaps turn around and decked me. We never really had fist fights, but he was a little brutal at times, and I think his thought might have been, “he’s MY brother, and MY punching bag….NOT YOURS!” So yeah, he’s my big brother. He is an interesting character. He’s a total comedian. To me he’s a person who in my mind stopped growing at 21, and then all of the sudden GREW UP about 10 years ago. He is kind-hearted. He’s a shy introvert (as I am as well). He is a good person. He isn’t evil. I’m not saying there aren’t devil horns that have appeared at times, but he isn’t an asshole (unless he wants to be). He’s my brother, my earliest memories have him front and center. It’s not fair, but fair only comes around once a year in the autumn usually. He and I don’t share the same thoughts about a lot of things, the after-life and religion for example, but I’m grateful that he has his faith, and that it will carry him thru this. He’s my big brother……..and if I knew how to post pictures on this site (it’s not very intuitive) I have a few from his childhood that would be pretty amusing…..

Send me the photos, I will host and send you the links if you like.

Yesterday was the endoscopy at the local hospital.

Results? I seem to have a benign tumor in my stomach which the doctor says that while not especially common, is not uncommon to see here and there based on my age.
It isn't going to hurt me and it isn't going to block anything, it just takes up space.

As per usual, they used a balloon to stretch the opening to the stomach high up in my throat.
I have had this done and it works.
It's really non invasive and this morning nothing is sore and life goes on.

I was able to eat pizza late night... so it was a success.

Did I mention my distaste for lying on an operating table?

The last time I had this done with a different doctor, the procedure cracked some dental work I had to have fixed.
This time around, my dental work survived just fine.

Given my time to live, my hope is that I might never have to see a dentist ever again.

robbiedog sent me the photos he wished to post of us as children.
These seem to date to 1960/1961.
The first is the two of us on bicycles.
Robbiedog on the left, lbj on the right.
The second one is of me at my grandmother's apartment on some sort of stilts, basically cans with ropes. They were actually fun to play with.
I do remember the second picture taken.
In the first picture, can anyone identify the car on the far right and on the far left?
I am thinking one was our grandfather's Cadillac.
All I can see is the exhaust and a tail light.

Here they are:

The one I was really thinking of posting is you and me and our sister, you are probably 10? You have your hand on my shoulder, I'm kneeling in front, you're standing in back. I believe it's the first time you ever touched me without either pain, or fear of pain, being involved. I was freaked out....
But that one is more recent, and sister might not approve it being public......

We sure remember our childhoods differently.
I suppose it is not unusual.
I hope to compose a letter that will be waiting for you after my death.

Both cars are Cadillacs, the one on the left is a 1960 model, I can't determine the year of the one on the right.

They were big, they were heavy but they were beautiful... the cars I mean.

They were among a group of cars I used to refer to as "True American Classics" because they stretched from Sea to Shining Sea!

My aunt had a 1960 convertible, white with red interior and enough power to push us kids back into the seat cushion.

Those were the days?
Yes, in car terms I would agree.
But sometimes, perhaps my memory is faulty even before the onset of my illness.
And such would apply, I guess, to cars, to family squabbles, to most anything.
Then again, perhaps my memory is as sharp as a tack from back then, who is to say whose memory is faulty? I really don't know, sometimes everyone's opinions are correct. All at the same time even.

As I remember my grandfathers Cadillac, it had a pair of folding jumpseats behind the driver's bench seat, but in front of the rear seats.
I was only 4 or 5 back then and I swear I got lost in that Cadillac and it took me hours to find my way out... it was that big.
A minute is an hour to small child, right?

Those jumpseats were in some of the Fleetwoods, but I don't remember if they were the Fleetwood 60's or Fleetwood 70's or just in the stretched limo versions. They were not comfortable if you were a gangly teenager!

I nearly bought a 1940 Fleetwood limo in 1966. The owner had just recovered it from a barn in Iowa and said I could have it for what he had in it -- about $250. My father said "NO! You're going to college!" and never did understand that I could have polished the car, replaced one of the teardrop headlights, and sold it for enough to pay the first two years of my tuition.

1957 Cadillac on the right. And I think 1960 Cadillac on left.

Grandfather passed away in 1961 I think at about the same age as I am, give or take a couple of years.
Big Tom as he was known back then was a Poloroid fanatic and he took gazillions of photographs.
Unfortunately, by the time us kids realized those old instant developing photographs were deteriorating, it was too late and the crisp details of the subject matters had already long since faded into oblivion, as I shall in the not too distant future.
All physical things one day fade to oblivion, the way it is supposed to be.

A 1957 and a 1960 Cadillac certainly fits the time frame perfectly.

Thanks all, great job.

Grandad loved his Caddies. I wonder where his photos of them are.
I will never know, gone for The Ages.

That's because you were older!!!! Way different! But what great childhoods we had, for the most part!

robbiedog and I were emailing just now and I wish to lift something out of what I wrote him which I hope applies to everyone who knew and loved me.

"Don't be sad for me.
I have had the best life ever.
I much prefer what is happening to me now in the sense that I have had a shorter but bright life.
Trust me when I say that stumbling around in the dark with a long life would not have suited me well." - T Wigley 2017

This message has been edited. Last edited by: lbj,

Reading the last couple of pages this song came into my head.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebtC3ORg9fU