Jeremy,
Thank you. I appreciate what you said, and it is very accurate.

I can’t thank all of you enough. I certainly appreciate all the wisdom you share with me.

In some respect, you were successful in your career; many would envy you. Also, a lot of men identify with their job.

Stephen Covey identified that people have different roles at the same time. Perhaps you failed to focus as much on those other role? But now you can focus on those other roles that you fill and excel in them as you did in your career.

Understand that those things that made you successful are still part of you. I've always been fascinated by science, math and logic. I worked on my bike as a kid and cars as a teenager / adult. So not shocking I became an engineer, and then ended up doing jobs that enabled me to see the world in a particular way. I'm retired now, after doing some very cool things, and I miss doing important things, but I'm still me, if that makes sense.

I know exactly how you feel. I went from high school, to college, to the Air Force (spent summers working at a waterpark and lake as a lifeguard/EMT; and 6 months between graduation/commissioning as a substitute teacher in the public schools)...the military is what I've known for the last 25 years, and left my last job as the #3 guy in the Wing and on base.

Now that I've had about 3 months to chill out and relax, I'm ready to go back to work doing a job related to my career field. About the same money, less hours (limited to 40 hrs/week), and less responsibility. I've had some time to contemplate who I am and what I will do...and that is to be a better husband and father and spend more time with the family.

If we can recognize that we are loved by God regardless, more than anyone else could ever love us, we gain peace.

I have, as a 57-year old engineer, faced the recognition that I am worthless at work, but worthy in my Father's eyes, making the grind tolerable.

Do I look forward to five years hence, when I can retire? You bet. The only way I can tolerate the next five years is to see beyond the daily grind. I choose to not make my work my identity. It is a difficult choice.

I'm still lost on the identity thing.
10 yrs ago a very terrible accident took my walking ability down to near nothing. Deformed my right leg and pelvis. I'm not"pretty" anymore. Gf didn't want a life with a non pretty guy.
I have hobbies but no relationships of any depth.
Me and my cats .... That's it.
I do attempt to help others in ways I can but for the most part it's kinda nothing ...

It's what you do. Not who you are.
There is a difference.
I had to go through the same process about 7 years ago.
Ultimately, once I got ME out of the way, it was amazing what then came into being, in my life. I could see the big picture much more clearly.
BC, you are now in the process of finding yourself. What makes you tick ,what you like, what you don't like, what you want out of life. Just ride the wave, get yourself out of the way, and let the future come at you on its own accord.
It's worth it.

Like Tailhook 84, leaving the cockpit was a very difficult transition. Also like him, I knew it was my last flight when I walked to the jet that summer morning.

The squadron was very kind having scheduled me for a solo weather recon flight to a target area nearby. Basically a jet and a full bag of gas for 10 minute job with the rest of the time spent doing whatever I wanted in the jet. Landing and taxiing in was emotional. I sat in the jet for a good 5 minutes after shutdown taking in the sounds, the smells, all of it.

Like the OP, I had tied the "who" of myself to the "what" I was doing. In my mind I was at the top of the heap. A Marine officer flying one of the most demanding jets in the world - internally I looked down on men who did lesser things than I. So when I got to the civilian world it was complete and total culture shock.

I'll be honest, it took me the better part of a decade to realize that who I am as person is NOT what I do. I quit chasing positions and titles and learned to enjoy life and take each day as it comes and live it to the fullest. Because no matter what we all do - no matter your job or career or position or title - one day you're going to leave it behind. The sooner you learn to disassociate your value from your job the better.

Good luck to you.

quote:

So I guess it never goes away?

not sure how it could,,


I was a meat guy for a long time,
that dept was the most efficient (as far as time and material handling) of all the depts in a store,

you learn as part of the job to touch things as little as possible, and to be efficient with everything you do,


that has changed a lot since I got out of the meat dept (last ran one in 2001)

and is the hardest thing to teach someone now,

I closed the chapter of my "business" identity after 20 years in Accounting (my degree) and IT. I was leaving that life behind to open my new book in aviation...I haven't and don't miss it for one nanosecond. There were some good moments, but looking back, it was a HORRIBLE experience, but I learned and grew.

I also closed another chapter of identity when I "retired" from ice hockey officiating after 13 seasons. THAT...I loved!! I donated all my playing and reffing equipment to the local youth organization several months after hanging up the skates and whistle. I had all my equipment sprawled across the floor in my home office, making a list of donation for a tax write-off. In the middle of typing, I started crying like a 4 year old...I felt the pain athletes feel when they realize they have to close the door on a significant chapter of their life.

As for my current identity, I know it's going to be even harder to close that book. Aviation has been part of my soul since I was about 4 years old and mother would take me to the airport to watch airplanes take off and land; she did it because I was cranky and that shut me up . When the time comes, the last landing is gonna be WAY worse than when I hung up the skates and whistle. I won't be ready for it...

Even though I couldn’t wait for retirement, I knew I was going to miss a lot of the ‘perks’ of being a LEO. I would have gone back to another LEO gig if it wasn’t my poor health, which was a factor of leaving initially.

A person’s self worth IS both internal as well as external. The truth is that you were at a height in your life, and when you retire, you lose it. The responsibility, prestige and importance, etc are no longer your reality, which for many, is difficult to deal with.

I can really ramble on way more on this topic since it hits so close to home, but I’ll keep it basic and short.

Yup, when I had a stroke it put an end to my being a cop. Not what I had planned, I’d been a cop for 18 years and had a few more to go until retirement. Now being two years out from that event I realize I was mildly depressed because my career was over. I loved that job- dealing with the bosses is another subject, but I really loved policing. I felt like I was doing things, not material things or the satisfaction a carpenter gets when his finished a new home, but I felt like I was helping society in general by removing dirtbags from the street so the good citizens could go about their way. And it ended overnight. Later I found that I actually told Mrs. Mike that I was having a hard time and that it was different than a planned retirement. One that just doesn’t happen overnight. One you work up to, save all your vacation so you can leave early....one where you get a nice luncheon and someone presents you your gun and a shadow box.

( I got my gun in a parkinlot by a fellow officer because the staff didn’t want to deal with me I guess, and a Captain took me to lunch after I was retired and she gave me a shadow box, but my family never got to be part of it)

So yeah, I get it OP. I’m much happier now, I can sleep for more than four hours, my stress is almost non existent now, and my family has helped me deal with my brain/emotional issues.

One of the things I am most grateful to my father for is that he taught me to respect everyone who makes an honest living and works hard, regardless of how they earn their living. The school custodian who takes pride in their job and works hard is worthy of the same respect that you would give a police officer, attorney or whatever. That life lesson helped me to keep my job in perspective. When I worked I was responsible for a significant budget, program integrity issues regarding tax payer dollars, I testified in court for the government, spoke several times to congressmen, federal agents etc. I often worked over 50 hrs a week. But in the back of my mind was always that lesson from my father. So that helped me when I retired. Everyone is replaceable at work, and I was no big deal. So actually my transition into retirement wasn't as hard as I thought it might be.

quote:

Originally posted by Haveme1or2:
I'm still lost on the identity thing.
10 yrs ago a very terrible accident took my walking ability down to near nothing. Deformed my right leg and pelvis. I'm not"pretty" anymore. Gf didn't want a life with a non pretty guy.
I have hobbies but no relationships of any depth.
Me and my cats .... That's it.
I do attempt to help others in ways I can but for the most part it's kinda nothing ...

I’m very sorry to hear of your accident. It really puts my selfish pettiness into perspective.

This whole thread, and everyone’s responses has been a huge help. It has made me look at things differently, and I certainly appreciate the time everyone took to tell me their story. It was impactful and each one of you helped me.

Thank you,
Noah

I can identify, twice.

I left the fire service after 8 years. I wasn't a Fire Fighter anymore. I was, and will always be a fireman. Some of you will understand that. It was difficult stepping into the professional world.

Recently, I was a program manager for a major account. Single point of contact, took it all. My company failed a lot, I took all the heat. After 5 years of client abuse, getting stabbed in the back by various departments in my own company, never having an uninterrupted night, weekend, day off or vacation, I asked to be reassigned. I'm in limbo right now, running it until the new guy gets up to speed and not sure how I'll fit in the role I did for 15 years prior. Call it Stockholm syndrome but as much as I want away I'm drawn back.

Who am I today, who will I be tomorrow?

Same guy, different title.