Sorry to hear of your situation. Best of luck.
Stay strong.

PC

And people ask me, they say, "Dave, why are you single?"

Ahhhhhhaaaahhhaaahhhaaahhhh.

Been down that road twice and won't do it again.

Sorry to hear of your troubles Zac, I know it ain't no fun to go through, but (cliche as it is), you'll come out the other side a better man. It's just going to suck ass for awhile.

quote:

She just up and threw the towel in...

No, she didn't.

Know this. This has been a long time coming in her world. Whether she's been banging this other guy for that long is anyone's guess, but I can GUARANTEE you that she didn't just wake up yesterday and think, "that's it". Women don't operate that way. This was a long planned out thing and she just finally had the balls to say it.

Protect yourself above anything else.

I will third the advice of getting out of the mortgage ASAP. Working with mortgages everyday, divorce documents, quit claim deeds, etc...mean shit to a bank when it comes to non payment. Sell the property or refinance in her name, do not put it off. If she does not qualify to refinance in her name alone the property needs to be sold.
Harsh, but it's the truth.

quote:

Originally posted by JSB3:
I will third the advice of getting out of the mortgage ASAP. Working with mortgages everyday, divorce documents, quit claim deeds, etc...mean shit to a bank when it comes to non payment. Sell the property or refinance in her name, do not put it off. If she does not qualify to refinance in her name alone the property needs to be sold.
Harsh, but it's the truth.

Refinance is the way we have already planned it.

Been to Jag and have filled out our no-contest Tennessee divorce documents. Just waiting on her to get them signed, notarized and mailed back to me, which could take a month, plus a 60 day wait at the courthouse.

We can't do shit with the house until she gets home in September, by which time we will already be divorced.

Zac, really sorry you are having to go through this, but as others have said, you're the winner and she's the loser.
I have a friend who had this happen to him--twice! But he ended up with a great wife and two fabulous daughters. It wasn't him at all.

Zac,
That sucks. I am truly sorry to hear that. I've done the divorce thing while in the military, it sucks. The funny thing is, everyone lines up to tell you how lucky you are. Heck, even my lawyer told me I was lucky.
But it still sucks.

A couple pieces of advice.

Until the divorce is final, the Army still considers you married. Govern yourself accordingly.

Family life counselors (free on every post I've been on) take no notes and are confidential unless you start talking about hurting yourself or others. There is an emotional impact weather you want to admit it or not and talk therapy is better for you (and your career) than bottle or needle therapy. A lot of folks will try and help, but they don't know what they don't know.

Watch what you say and who you say it to. Some of your mutual friends might be her friends and they might be looking to stir the pot or cause trouble. My usual divorce advice is "Shut up and Lawyer up" but It sounds like JAG actually has you.

Don't pick any fights with her. You want her nice, calm and happy until the divorce is signed and official. Trust me on this one. I'd also recommend that you do most of your communicating in writing (save everything), that way there is little room for he said/she said.

It's going to be an emotional roller coaster for a bit, be prepared for everything from anger and suspicion to depression, getting professional help helps(see above). I'm six years post divorce and it gets better with time. But you still hit the occasional emotional land mine.

Figure out what you want your future to look like. Do you want to stay in (you are under contract)? Having a plan is key to your success and divorce doesn't have to derail it.

Hang in there. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

I'm sorry brother.

My ex-fiance did something very similar when she deployed to Guantanamo. That was nearly three years ago, She's since deployed again, and I've deployed as well.

It still sucks. She's moved on, dated, may even be married by now. I haven't a clue. But I haven't been able to manage more than a couple dates since, and definitely nothing long-term.

I focused on my job. It helped me get through it. It's a band-aid fix, and I suspect probably not entirely healthy, but it made the process easier for me. I have very little social interaction outside of work now but overall my effectiveness as a soldier has gone through the roof IMO.

sad to hear it did not work out , war does stuff to people and the loved ones of those people.


who knows what she has encountered over there

Sac sorry for the shit you're having to deal with.
Please be sure your name is off the home loan....

It's unfortunate you are going through this. I'm sad for you.

And I'm not trying to rub salt in your wounds, but I do remember reading a couple of threads you started months ago, maybe years. I don't think I posted anything in those threads as I had no sage advice then.

But a lot of people here gave you, what turns out to be, sage advice. The first thread I remember had the elements of your wife then being in the same car as a friend of yours. And people jumped on that as a warning sign.

Then the second thread shortly after was about your wife joining the military. Similar warnings / advice were posted about that.

None of these help now at this point, but perhaps this helps to give you clarity in that she didn't just "up and threw the towel in." You'll live through this experience just as plenty others have before you but hopefully you can learn something from this whole process even from way back then up to now, that you can use to improve your relationships in the future.

It sounds like cliche but when I find myself in sucky situations, I keep saying this to myself to convince me that "what doesn't kill you make you stronger."

Good luck, man.

No advice. Just sorry from a guy who's been there. Well, I guess one piece of advice. Find a professional therapist and talk it through. Divorce is hard, harder than death of a spouse in many ways. Seeking help is often a smart thing. Good luck, my prayers are with you.

Don't know if the JAG lawyers involved are divorce lawyers, but if they aren't, hire a divorce lawyer.

That's my only advice.

Zac - Advice - go here. Sooner rather than later.

Hire a lawyer who is fully knowledgeable in military divorce. Nothing less than that.

Been there, done that and wore out the T-shirt.

quote:

She did you a favor, you just don't see it yet.

But you will.

1000%

Put the past behind you.

Get on living well - best thing you can do. There are so many good women out there; ones that will bend over backwards to make you happy. It's not really so hard.

RE: Mortgage and legal - get a good lawyer. I went through 3 before I found what I needed.

Zac, it's true there are lots of good women out there, but probably not in Clarksville or Hop-town

My ex wife started cheating and lying around 32-33. She mostly contained it to business trips for two years so there were no obvious signs, except her being mad at me when she came home for whatever I didn't do while being a single parent for our son, who was between 2 and 3 years old when she went back to work and started traveling a bit.

Seems a LOT of women do this in the early to mid 30's, some stay married and their husbands never know, some get divorced and the husband never knows (and many refuse to consider cheating as the reason for her sudden change in attitude and insistence on divorce), and some get caught or forced to admit the truth.

Why? It has a lot to do with their hormones going into overdrive when the ideal childbearing years are coming to an end (around 35). They aren't prepared for what it's like to have the sex drive of an 18 year old boy, and instead of directing it at their husband, they direct elsewhere.

Then they get mad at the husband all the time and cause drama to justify their actions because he "deserves" it for being such a lousy husband, but in most cases that's not really true, just a projection of their own guilt and an excuse to justify their behavior.

I found a couple books about the subject by a woman who had done the same thing, cheated and left a decent husband for no real reason, and then did research and interviewed a bunch of women to understand why. Believe me, those books made it all make sense.

I got divorced at 41 and dated a 28 year old first, then a 30 year old at 42, then a 36 year old at 44, and now back to a 28 year old. Believe me, the early to mid 30's are a very emotionally volatile age.

And divorce most commonly occurs in the woman's mid 30's when married in late 20's, after two kids, statistically speaking. And 75% of divorces are initiated by the woman.

Trust me, you don't want to have to end a marriage when your 17th anniversary is the realization that she's been cheating for a few years and doing a good job keeping it hidden, and your son is 7 years old. In my ex-wife's case she didn't fall in love with another guy which would have sped up the divorce (as suspected by the OP in his case), so she was on the fence in "limbo" for a couple years before I learned what had been going on. Better find out now and end it early.

quote:

Originally posted by Johnny 3eagles:
Zac, it's true there are lots of good women out there, but probably not in Clarksville or Hop-town

Especially not at the Pink Pony or the Platinum club.

quote:

Originally posted by CD228:

quote:

Originally posted by Johnny 3eagles:
Zac, it's true there are lots of good women out there, but probably not in Clarksville or Hop-town

Especially not at the Pink Pony or the Platinum club.

I heard that they were just working there to earn tuition money for medical school.

quote:

Originally posted by Rey HRH:
And I'm not trying to rub salt in your wounds, but I do remember reading a couple of threads you started months ago, maybe years. I don't think I posted anything in those threads as I had no sage advice then.

My thoughts exactly and I recall the same threads.

Fwiw, the following is what I tell my divorce clients, be it man or woman.

Next time you think about marrying someone, ask your father and/or mother first. "I'm thinking about marrying 'X'. What do you think?". It assumes that they have met and interacted with each other and there is a good relationship between parent and son/daughter.

If their response is patently enthusiastic, hop aboard blindly.

If their response is lukewarm, wishy-washy, "cordial", run away as fast as you can to the nearest gin-joint, time to get blasted.

No one knows you better than your parents. Emotions aside, they will be more objective, rational than someone involved in a whirlwind, romantic relationship.

The clients tell me that they agree with that.