quote:

Originally posted by RogueJSK:

It sucks, but it'll be better in the long run. I'm significantly happier now that I was a year or two ago.

^ I agree with this..

Sorry to hear rainman64.
May be hard to realize now, but there will be a time you will be glad it is over.
It is a blessing no kids are involved.

Just don't date for awhile.
Always remember what you've been through and don't repeat it.
You now know what the signs are.

I was divorced for 14 years before I married to my current wife.
My second and last, no matter what.

In those 14 yeas I had 2 3 year relationships with bipolar women.
One of those ended up being a functional alcoholic.
I stayed in these relationships WAY too long.

Yep I knew how to pick 'em, but it was more like they picked me.
Like I had a sign on my forehead that read "I'm an enabling fool that thinks they can help you".

I finally broke that habit of wanting, or thinking I needed, to fix someone.

I learned from my mistakes and now have a somewhat normal wife..

That sucks man. I've been there and have the merit badge myself.

It gets easier with some time and usually, in the long run, it is better and you will recognize it. I wonder all the time why in the hell i didn't do it sooner, and in my case, she was the one who initiated the thing, although i finished it.

Most days, I want to send her flowers for giving me the kick in the pants to get off my ass and get rid of her.

You only get one life, and there is no sense in being unhappy during it. I didn't know HOW unhappy i was until i was free from her.

Keep your chin up. You're sail through it just fine.

While divorce does suck, in my experience laying in bed next to someone feeling like the loneliest person on earth is far worse. Divorce doesn’t make anyone happy but it makes them eligible to find it and hope obviously beats despair.

Good luck to you and, trust me, you’ll look back on this as a good thing before you know it.

You have my sympathies for enduring through such a difficult transition.

I am glad to see you posting again rainman.

Sorry to hear this Rainman. You did your best and it sounds like it was above and beyond. I hope you end up in a better place and happier in the end.

quote:

Originally posted by KevinCW:
You only get one life, and there is no sense in being unhappy during it. I didn't know HOW unhappy i was until i was free from her.

Same, brother.

I have good days, I have lows. We are still talking but like others said, I just don't know which woman I am talking to as 5 live in her head.
Some days she still loves me, some days are venom and vitriol.

Unconditional love for someone sucks.
I should have pulled out my mirror and signaled the F16's 2 years ago.

quote:

Originally posted by RogueJSK:

quote:

Originally posted by KevinCW:
You only get one life, and there is no sense in being unhappy during it. I didn't know HOW unhappy i was until i was free from her.

Same, brother.

Amen. 19 years of ever increasing misery.

I'm sorry you have to go through it; I hope it's over quickly; I hope you recover well.

Good luck, meant in the best possible way!

Divorced this year as well after 19 years of frustration. I really tried hard to honor my vows but the reality is that I was the only one doing so and it was making me absolutely miserable.
Just so you know you're not alone.

So sorry rainman. One thing is certain, you can not have a successful marriage with only one person working at it.
Rod

Just for reference:
A 2015 study by the American Sociological Association found that women initiate two-thirds of all divorces, a staggering 69% to be exact. College-educated women initiate divorce at an even higher rate: 90%.

It hurts, but there is life after divorce. In 2003 while deployed to Afghanistan I received the 21st Century Dear John e-Mail vs. a letter from my wife informing me that She filed for divorce - less than 3 weeks of being in country. A testament to her character. Our friends told me that I did everything I could to make it work and that in the end I will be better off than her. My Mom put it best: “Son, it’s not about what you lost, it’s about what you gained.” She was right, I am remarried with a son, and “living the dream”. You’ll be fine, once you get past the shock and pain. Best to you throughout this holiday season.

Sorry to hear this. I am divorced almost 6 years. There are things that will always suck about it. Most of my continued pain has to do with kids and keeping that relationship close. You are lucky to not have to deal with that.

All I can say is it gets better with time. 3 years ago I was very lonely and not really in the best place. Fast forward to now and I'm with an awesome woman, getting married again. Take some time to be alone and get your mind in order. Learn to be happy with life without anyone. Do things by yourself. The rest will fall in place but not until you are comfortable being alone.

ETA: Like quitting smoking, there are stages of divorce and feelings that change over time. Feel free to reach out if you need to talk to someone that's been in the same place as you. Email in profile. If you are feeling alone/isolated, stressed, dealing with crazy ex stuff, whatever, feel free to email.

I'm so sorry you had to endure this.
Sometimes no matter what you do, it's not enough.

OK, I'm getting a bit personal here but someone was there for me so I'll relate my experience...

I truly thought the sun would not ever come up again after my divorce. I was heart broken, defeated, ashamed and depressed. The first divorce in the history for my entire family... She was my high school sweetheart, dated 3 years then married for six, I saw to it she didn't have to work, bought a house and her a car but I spent every day of those six years fighting to make it work and tiptoeing around her. She just never grew up and she rationed sex like it was running out. Then one day I overheard her tell another man she loved him... Ok, you get what you want now. I'm done, your ass is gone.

BEST move I ever made! I was her first, but she had 4 more husbands, the longest lasted one month, one lasted just 3 days!

THEN,

About a month after my divorce a friend introduced me to a girl he had been on one date with but he just didn't click with... 3 months later I married her! Two kids, one stepdaughter, 8 grand kids, two great grand kids and 41 years and counting later we are both now retired and life is good. Oh, and the sex... Wherever, whenever, even still

Everything happens for a reason brother... Move on, hang in there.

What many of you are calling bipolar, and may have been misdiagnosed as such, is really borderline and/or histrionic personality disorder. Bipolars cycle between mania and depression, but the cycles are slow, and it's a true neurochemical disorder. Bipolars can be medicated to reduce the extremes.

Day to day emotional chaos with love/hate and constant drama is different and the hallmark of borderline/histrionic personality disorders, or female narcissism which is similar. As personality disorders, they cannot be medicated.

Men need to learn to identify these disorders and avoid getting enmeshed with these women. They are very hard to get away from and they can wreck all kinds of havoc during breakups and divorce - false accusations of abuse or sexual abuse of your children, restraining orders, scorched earth legal tactics, defamation, you name it.

You do not have unconditional love for these women, you have codependency.

I met my ex wife in college, we dated two years, and were married for 20. She lied so much in the last half of the marriage I really don't know what to believe or not, I just know what she admitted to, and what evidence I have to corroborate some of it (and refute some of it) which makes me wonder about the first 10 years.

By the time we got to the divorce, it was easy because we'd burned out every chance at reconciliation. Meanwhile about 2 years earlier I started a new job with a lot of international travel, met a lot of people, including some very good female friends (yes friends) who were very supportive through the divorce. Helps to have a woman to talk to that helps you see how messed up your ex is...

That was 7 years ago, and it's been an interesting ride since then. I've got to date women I never would have dreamed of being with before. Still haven't found the right one yet, but you know what? It's not a need. I can do what I want, buy what I want, and don't have to answer to anyone. Amd I've got road stories that my friends can't believe.

Get out of the rut, do something different, date girls way younger than you, have fun. Just don't knock anyone up and don't "need" to be in a relationship or get married.

Sorry to read this brother. Best wishes.

I'm sorry to hear this. It definately sounds like it's her and not you. Look forward to the future. Being a bachelor and not having to conform to someone else's crazy standards and being able to do what you want to do, when you want to do it is quite satisfying. Look to the future and all of the bucket list items you've been wanting to do and focus on those.

Being married to someone with mental illness is difficult, especially when they do not want to try and take care of themselves. After 16 years of trying to cope I finally got it done and escaped.

She moved away and I have found someone that truly understands what marriage should be. I regret having wasted so much of my life and I am trying to make the best of what I have left, thankfully I have a partner that is making it so easy to enjoy life.

Being free of someone with mental illness is very liberating and such a burden lifted.

I'm very sorry to hear this Rainman. I know it has to hurt like mad, but I do agree with the others that not having children will reduce long term complications. Take care of you for a while, and wait for better days ahead, amigo.