I hope this post doesn't come across as being self serving, some kind of eulogy, or a feeble attempt looking for confirmation that I "did all I could", because that is not my intention. My reason for posting this is simply to say, if you have a friend with addictions, and is clearly in trouble, step in and do something about it before it's to god damn late. Most people I have spoken to regarding my friend Randy, state that individuals with addictions should be held accountable for their own behavior, which is probably true to an certain extend, but for the most part, bullshit, I think. Randy was an alcoholic and also delt with drug addiction, whatever was at his fingertips. I just don't think it is possible for somebody in Randys situation to be able to "get a grip" on life and fix it himself. I believe in situations like this, there needs to be outside intervention to help get a guy on track, friends or family. If you can get him into recovery, continue to give him your support, and if he falls off the wagon, if your a good friend, you should be there to pick him back up again. That's just what friends do. Over time, it does wear you down, but when you do decide to give up, you have to be able to walk away with a clear concience knowing what the end result is going to be. I didn't do that, so tomorrow, I get to go to his apartment with his daughter and start hauling his shit out of there, then I get to bury him.

Some may say, he was fkn druggy, screw'em, he created his own destiny. Not always the case as his problems began with an abused childhood, a bad situation that he was never able to get closure on. Beatings, sexual abuse, stuff that most of us never have to deal with in our lives. I'm X-LEO, and spend the better part of my career on stage with a guitar, Randy at my side playing Bass. As much as we were two very differant individuals, he knew my agenda and I respected his lifestyle as much as I disagreed with it. He played a part in me putting away some very bad ppl back in the day, he just veered off track and never was able to get his shit back together. This guy could have chosen whatever band he wanted to play in, he was that good. He had some huge opportunities but blew them because of the drugs.

So, don't make the same mistake I did by bailing on a buddy no matter how hopeless you think your efforts will be, because believe me, you will kick your ass for it. Give your self the opportunity to walk away knowing you did every god damn thing you could have. Just sayin'......

Jeff

sorry for your loss

I'm sorry for your loss Macky.

I have family members that suffer from drug addiction. One was stabbed through the temple during a fight (deal gone bad, we think). The other (my younger sister) has been a mess since her early teens.

We have tried everything to get them to clean up. I have personally put my sister through rehab twice. She was back on the junk within days. My older cousin was offerred the same opportunity, and continued his shitty lifestyle for many years. Only recently (after the stabbing) did he ask us to take him to rehab. He has been 100% sober for 3 months now, and loves it. My sister is MIA and folks that have seen her say she is still wasted. I haven't given up on her. But I have come to realize she doesn't desire sobriety.

My experience has taught me this. If they want help, it is out there and they know where to find it. If they don't, no amount of assistance from you will change their ways. You can only do so much, from there on they have to decide it's what they want for themselves. Don't turn your back on them, but don't feel it is your obligation to save them either.

Once again, I am sorry for your loss. But please, don't feel guilty. You didn't refuse to help him, he just never asked you to. It's not your fault. Mourn his passing, but don't take responsibility. It is an unfortunate thing, but not likely one you could have changed.

I mean no offense by my post Macky. I am only hoping to relieve any feelings of guilt you may have.

my condolences

not for want of trying - you did what you could and sometimes all the help isn't enough - there just isn't any will

Someone with addictions will not change until they are ready. No matter how much time and effort you put into helping them, if they don't want to change, it aint gonna happen.

Sucks that so many people are addicted to this and that these days.

Sorry for your lose.

quote:

Originally posted by AZtrigger:
I'm sorry for your loss Macky.

I have family members that suffer from drug addiction. One was stabbed through the temple during a fight (deal gone bad, we think). The other (my younger sister) has been a mess since her early teens.

We have tried everything to get them to clean up. I have personally put my sister through rehab twice. She was back on the junk within days. My older cousin was offerred the same opportunity, and continued his shitty lifestyle for many years. Only recently (after the stabbing) did he ask us to take him to rehab. He has been 100% sober for 3 months now, and loves it. My sister is MIA and folks that have seen her say she is still wasted. I haven't given up on her. But I have come to realize she doesn't desire sobriety.

My experience has taught me this. If they want help, it is out there and they know where to find it. If they don't, no amount of assistance from you will change their ways. You can only do so much, from there on they have to decide it's what they want for themselves. Don't turn your back on them, but don't feel it is your obligation to save them either.

Once again, I am sorry for your loss. But please, don't feel guilty. You didn't refuse to help him, he just never asked you to. It's not your fault. Mourn his passing, but don't take responsibility. It is an unfortunate thing, but not likely one you could have changed.

I mean no offense by my post Macky. I am only hoping to relieve any feelings of guilt you may have.

No offense taken, really appreciate your post, very well stated. Although I have my opinions, they are just opinions of mine, no voice of experience talking here. Just thinking I should have done something different. Your post, as with the others here, has given me a new outlook on the day. Thanks

I am very sorry for your loss.

I, too, have 2 people very close to me who are recovering alcoholics/drug addicts. They used all manner alcohol, weed, crack, powder cocaine, psychadelics, prescription drugs and other stuff I never even heard of. They both saw other friends, fellow addicts, killed in auto horrific accidents, die from suicide, shot and killed by police, dead from overdose, abused in ways non-addicts can't even comprehend. The 2 I know personally are in recovery, sober nearly 2 years. It is only by the grace of almighty God that they aren't dead themselves.

The organization Al-Anon provides information for friends, family and loved ones of alcoholics and other addicts. If you aren't already aware of them, seek them out and see if they can help you deal with your loss.

Sorry for you loss. May he RIP.

Sorry for your loss.

Keep in mind though, you can't save addicts. Maybe you can help them save themselves, but they have to do it. The flip side is, you can't let them drag you down.

Your story about Randy was touching. Several years ago I lost a friend under similar circumstances, and he was a musician friend too. We thought we would maybe someday be the next Beatle's when we were younger. We also partied a lot together. Later, I went into the Army and grew up. He stayed back on the block and didn't.

It is very easy to feel as if you should have done more, but I am sure you did more than most people would have. And by going to his place and taking care of the business left behind, you are still being there for him.

Finally, with those types of problems that he had, you have the advantage and had privilege of knowing a better Randy, and you can carry that with you always.

And you are right, not all alcoholics and addicts are bad people. In fact, the ones who do beat it are often some of the finest people you'll ever meet. But drugs and alcohol really are very insidious enemies, and destroy a lot of lives.

You were no doubt a great friend to Randy, so don't lose sight of that.

I'm sorry for your loss and there are few things in life that will make you feel more helpless than watching someone you love self destruct. There is honestly nothing you could have done to make him stop. I lost 3 friends in a few months a couple years ago. The first died of an OD and then his best friend (one of my favorite people in the world) on a binge crashed his car and after 10 days in the ICU died. A short time later the wife of the first went but I won’t speculate on how she died.
I'll be prayin for ya' macky

Sorry for your loss. Having dealt with addiction in myself, family and friends I agree with AZtrigger. There are people who cannot be saved. Ultimately it is up to the addict to decide to get better. I don't buy the addiction as a disease model as that takes away personal responsibility. My best friend from High School died from Hep C in 2005 and steadfastly refused to pull his head out of his ass. When he told me he was clean in 2002 at his sisters funeral it meant that he was no longer slamming crank or drinking liquor but he continued to smoke pot and get the max amount of pain pills possible so he could get high but remain "clean". Trying to help people by enabling them can be more destructive than letting them swing in the breeze. Don't blame yourself for your friends actions.

Condolences, amigo.

-BK

Sorry for your loss. Man SF has the whole of it doesn't it?. A mass of real people living real life. Crazy how we are all together on a gun forum. Take care brother.