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TANSTAAFL
posted
I'm divorced now for 7 years, but some how still stupidly in love with the ex. I tried dating a couple times, but it always ended quickly until I finally quit trying. She dated too, but she tried to hide it from her family and that caused problems on her end.

It was an ugly and contentious divorce. Yet somehow a couple times a year we would get back together for a few weeks. Problem was she told so many stories about me that it would end because she didn't want her family to know after all the crap she said to them.

I guess I always thought we would work it out somehow, even though we are bad for each other. Awesome sex, but polar opposites in personality and what's important.

I've known for a couple weeks she was seeing someone else from the way she was acting too friendly and helpful and it didn't bother me. That and we haven't "gotten together" this year. But she called out of the blue to say she is dating and having him around our son and it was like being stabbed in the heart, like when we first split.

What the hell is wrong with me? I know she deserves to be happy, and that she isn't (not really) with me. I know we are like oil and water most of the time. I know I have turned into a hermit unless I am working or with my son for the weekend. Why can't I be like a normal person and let go so it doesn't hurt?
 
Posts: 500 | Location: Baltimore til I can get out of there. | Registered: June 08, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Do No Harm,
Do Know Harm
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Life is a complicated mess, sometimes.

Based on my own experiences, I recommend you talk with someone who handles these issues professionally.


-------------------------------
Knowing what one is talking about is widely admired but not strictly required here.

Although sometimes distracting, there is often a certain entertainment value to this easy standard.
-JALLEN

"All I need is a WAR ON DRUGS reference and I got myself a police thread BINGO." -jljones
 
Posts: 9458 | Location: NC | Registered: August 16, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of cparktd
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So sorry to hear, thats tough.
All I can do is relate my experience...

I was crushed when my first wife left me. I literally thought the sun wouldn't come up the next day... but it did.

We were High School sweethearts and dated three years before marrying at 18. It lasted 6 years, and I had to fight tooth and nail to keep it together that long. We had no kids but that was no accident, I saw the righting on the wall. I matured and she didn't, but I truly loved her. She decided she wanted someone else. He promised to marry her, then skipped town when we divorced... Karma at her best! She had to get a job and support herself!

I decided I had to cut my losses, dust myself off and just move on. I did NOT like being single. At all. I'm a christian and I prayed HARD for the lord to guide me through and he did just that. I found someone else and we have now been married 38 years... after only knowing her three months! We now have three Daughters, 8 Grandkids, and 2 Great Grandkids.

Oh and my first wife... Married 4 more times, last count I had, the LONGEST lasted about a month I heard. Just say the word, I'll hook you up with her!

But seriously, I believe everything happens for a reason, some times it's a long time before you understand it, but keep the faith... Don't let it devour you, Man up and move on... Taking care of yourself has to be job one, because you need to do that so you can properly be there for your Son.

I now have the opinion that if a relationship doesn't come naturally / easy, it probably ain't worth pursuing.

Best of luck to you.



Deplorable before deplorable was cool!
 
Posts: 1397 | Location: Middle Tennessee | Registered: February 07, 2013Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I think that for many men, there is a woman that is poison to you. And you cant see it until you are ruined. Even after you finally realize she is completely toxic, the pull to her is strong.
And I think many women understand the pull and know how to use it.
M.G.T.O.W. Google that and check out the website.
And I am not a misogynist. Just a little smarter now.


End of Earth: 2 Miles
Upper Peninsula: 4 Miles
 
Posts: 5656 | Location: Marquette MI | Registered: July 08, 2014Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of dsiets
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quote:
Originally posted by buddy357:
Why can't I be like a normal person and let go so it doesn't hurt?


It's hard to let go when you have a common bond, your son. You can't separate from that. You'll always have that connection that can't be ignored.

Normal people do have trouble letting go. It hurts.

A normal person might also talk to a professional a time or two. You're reaching for a grasp on the situation. They can help you get to that point, and then some.

You're going to be ok buddy.
 
Posts: 4312 | Location: MI | Registered: May 22, 2007Reply With QuoteReport This Post
TANSTAAFL
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Crappy thing about this is I knew better. I saw guys in similar or worse situations while i was in the navy that I could see what was happening and didn't understand why the guy didn't. Of course now I know you can see it but not believe it.

I shouldn't have vented this, but I guess it hit harder than I thought it would. This is the first time she has seen fit to actually tell me she is seeing someone so I assume it is relatively serious.
 
Posts: 500 | Location: Baltimore til I can get out of there. | Registered: June 08, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
On the DL
Picture of V-Tail
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I remember the broken heart that I went through.

It was not an easy time.

I eventually met the right woman, a good woman. Coincidentally, the date that I met her was April 13 -- today's date! April 13, 1974. Yup, 43 years ago. I was flying a 520 Aero Commander from Chicago's Midway to Valparaiso, Indiana. She was in Chicago for a training course and somebody brought her along for the flight. She wanted to sit in the co-pilot seat. It took me a while to work up the nerve to ask her out for dinner. Forty-three years ago, and we are still together.

You will find the right person.

Meantime, as suggested, a professional counselor might be the thing. You will have the opportunity to look at things clearly. It might help, and it certainly couldn't hurt.



A mind is a terrible thing.
 
Posts: 16389 | Location: Central Florida (near Orlando) | Registered: January 03, 2010Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Cat Whisperer
Picture of cmr076
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im sorry you are going through this. I dated a girl for 6 years, we had plans to get married, BUT she was out of her fucking mind... 3 DUI's while we were together, she was 32 acting like she was 21 (going out drinking 4 nights a week, etc) the only time we got along was when she was on probation and couldn't drink... she thought I was the problem because I didn't like to "have fun"..

anyways, I finally left and moved back in with my parents for the first time since I was 17. I had a couple dates, called my highschool girlfriend for a rebound date, that was 3 years ago, we're getting married June 3rd! The right one will come along when you aren't looking for it.


------------------------------------

135
├┼┼╕
246R
 
Posts: 3787 | Location: SE PA | Registered: November 13, 2010Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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When it comes to men and their relation with women, some women know exactly which button to push.


*******
"Avoid the rush. Procrastinate now".
 
Posts: 5101 | Location: Arizona | Registered: August 17, 2008Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Relationships with ex's are contentious.

I would also suggest you get some professional help and get these feelings resolved.
 
Posts: 5252 | Registered: April 02, 2011Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Little ray
of sunshine
Picture of jhe888
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Some people just get under your skin - for good, for bad, and sometimes it is both.

You may never shed all of the emotions, but try to remind yourself that it isn't good for you, no matter what your heart says.




The fish is mute, expressionless. The fish doesn't think because the fish knows everything.
 
Posts: 44461 | Location: Texas | Registered: February 10, 2004Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I have a great friend that's in kind of the same situation.

Married for a few years. Couldn't get it to work, semi-ugly divorce, mostly because "feelings" were involved. (thankfully no kids involved)
"Fuck her/him! (s)he doesn't get that in the divorce!" type stuff mostly out of spite!
Divorce lawyers made some good $ between their shenanigans.

About 6~8 months after their divorce, I get a frantic call form another friend "Meet me here NOW!". (Since all three of us are good friends, the two of us were subjected to a lot of late night "That bitch! I still love her!" talks & calls)

We walk into the restaurant across the street and who do we find sitting there like two love birds? Our friend and the Ex. They have been playing this weird game for about the last 5 years. They live separately, aren't seeing anyone else.

It's strange to admit, but they kinda get along with each other like this. He seems happy, she seems happy. Who am I to judge?

If it goes south again, I am comforted in the fact that he has always bought quality liquor for his "That bitch! I still lover her" sessions.


_____________________________________________________________________

"When its time to shoot, shoot. Dont talk!"

“What the government is good at is collecting taxes, taking away your freedoms and killing people. It’s not good at much else.” —Author Tom Clancy
 
Posts: 4941 | Location: Just moved: Downtown Chi-Town | Registered: February 14, 2008Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Spectemur Agendo
Picture of brecaidra
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You're not stupid, you just have a good heart. I'm sorry that you are hurting.




SIGforum's triple minority


"It can't rain all the time." - Eric Draven
 
Posts: 16652 | Location: IA | Registered: May 28, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
TANSTAAFL
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quote:
Originally posted by CPD SIG:

They have been playing this weird game for about the last 5 years. They live separately, aren't seeing anyone else.

It's strange to admit, but they kinda get along with each other like this. He seems happy, she seems happy. Who am I to judge?


Honestly, until recently I thought the above is where we were. Shows what I know.

I saw a couple counselors when we first split up, all they said was "keep a journal" and "we can put you on Prozac". Not sure I want to do that again. I do need to start taking better care of myself, maybe that will help.

Thanks for the kind words. Still feel like an idiot, though.
 
Posts: 500 | Location: Baltimore til I can get out of there. | Registered: June 08, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Go ahead punk, make my day
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It hurts so bad because it seems that you haven't gotten over her yet. All the "back togethers" over the years have prevented you from putting her behind you.

Don't feel bad, all's fair in love and war.
 
Posts: 36294 | Registered: July 12, 2008Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of Jaywendland1981
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You have to move on, take care of yourself. The best way to do that is to cut all ties. Tell her thats what you need to do, ask her not to contact you anymore. Delete her phone number, block it if you can. Find a hobby or workout to keep yourself busy and get your mind straight.


There will be whores, tits and sex.
Long live the Republic of Texas.
 
Posts: 4089 | Location: Houston, Tx | Registered: January 30, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Eye on the
Silver Lining
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quote:
Originally posted by Jaywendland1981:
You have to move on, take care of yourself. The best way to do that is to cut all ties. Tell her thats what you need to do, ask her not to contact you anymore. Delete her phone number, block it if you can. Find a hobby or workout to keep yourself busy and get your mind straight.


Unfortunately, I suspect the kid part makes that impossible..not the take care of yourself part, but the cut all ties part.

OP, I think dsiets said it perfectly. And look for a different counselor. Sounds like the ones you found weren't helping you. Are you religious at all? A talk with your local pastor might be more helpful?
(ETA: jay you're SUPERFAST!)


__________________________

"Trust, but verify."
 
Posts: 3365 | Registered: October 24, 2005Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of Jaywendland1981
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Some of it yes. You dont have to see her or talk to her.


There will be whores, tits and sex.
Long live the Republic of Texas.
 
Posts: 4089 | Location: Houston, Tx | Registered: January 30, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
TANSTAAFL
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quote:
Originally posted by Jaywendland1981:
Some of it yes. You dont have to see her or talk to her.


Actually I have to see or talk to her a lot. I get my son one or two weekends a month and that isn't a set every other, it's what works best for our schedules. And I sometimes drive down on weekends that aren't mine to see my son's karate belt tests, etc. And I call my son a couple times a week, guess who's phone I have to call, hers. His birthday and Christmas are hers, but she willingly invites me to be there and participate.

The plus in this (maybe) is she has never openly told me before that she's seeing someone, so maybe it's serious. And maybe that means I won't get a call in a few weeks asking me to come spend time with "them"(her). And maybe I'll make some progress on getting over her. I think Rhinowso is right that I never got over her because we didn't stay apart.
 
Posts: 500 | Location: Baltimore til I can get out of there. | Registered: June 08, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
TANSTAAFL
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Funny thing is when she called to tell me, she fed me a bs "you'll find someone" and told me I was too closed up and didn't let anyone in.

She is pretty much the only person I've ever let in and opened up to and she thinks I didn't? Didn't know what to say to that. I just wished her luck and after the third repetition of the you'll find someone asked her to not say that anymore, talked to my kid for a minute and sat here staring at the ceiling the rest of the night and I bet I will again tonight.

Still being whiny. Going to bed so I don't post anymore tonight.
 
Posts: 500 | Location: Baltimore til I can get out of there. | Registered: June 08, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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